2014 Spade List

It's that time of year again... this is a list of 50 things I'd like to achieve in 2014. Every year I usually acknowledge that I'm not going to get all of them done, but there are always a few that are extremely important to me to complete amongst the not so important ones. I'll blog about those important ones later! In the mean time, enjoy -

1. Make a short film
2. Go to America
3. Get a new job
4. Read the LotR trilogy
5. Enter a film/photography competition
6. Host a party
7. Go to jazz bar
8. Learn basic Irish phrases
9. Buy a printer
10. Do something I've never done before
11. Hustle!
12. Release 'Unboxed'
13. Make a snowman
14. Go to something at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
15. Have a friend/family visit me in Edinburgh
16. Have a friend visit me in Northern Ireland
17. Have a photograph published / exhibited
18. Go to a concert
19. Get a tattoo
20. Learn Adobe After Effects
21. Give blood
22. Run 5k
23. Take up a personal photography project
24. Unplug for a week
25. Achieve a 'merit' in university
26. Build an amazing pillow/blanket fort
27. Write 40 blog posts
28. Watch the sun rise on Murlough
29. Feel competent in my painting/drawing ability
30. Bring a friend to church
31. Journal daily, even if brief
32. Take instant pictures
33. Do something to be proud of
34. Host a film screening of one of my own
35. Enter my final year of uni
36. Fast weekly
37. Fill a sketchbook
38. Go to France
39. Pull an elaborate prank
40. Read 30 books
41. Introduce my flatmates to Irish food
42. Celebrate my 21st
43. Spend a night stargazing
44. Get a flat stomach
45. Write a letter to someone telling them how much I appreciate them
46. Rearrange my bedroom
47. Watch 100 documentaries
48. Complete a YouVersion Bible study plan
49. Volunteer somewhere
50. Have a great year

Laughable

"He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision." Psalm 4:2

I had a very humbling experience yesterday. For a while I'd been struggling with a few things. Pretty much I wanted to become a better person, and I wanted to do good things for God. I had faith in God, and I truly believed that He could make me a better person and help me do the things he wanted me to do. But there was a voice in the back of my mind, holding me back, telling me I wasn't good enough. I had faith in God alright, but absolutely no faith in myself. Self doubt is something that cripples me a lot. It was like although I knew God had the power, I didn't trust myself to be open enough or 'spiritual' enough to let God do these things within me. Does that make sense? I dunno, but it was something that I had been thinking. I just felt completely useless before God, too useless to be changed for the better. 

It was something I hadn't thought about for a while, but I brought it up last night in a discussion with some fellow students in my church. On the way home I brought it up in prayer again, and this time I felt a response. It's not often that I really feel a response when I pray, so it was a pretty exciting moment. What was the response I felt? Well, I felt God laugh at me. Yep, you read that right. Not in a mean way, or a harsh way, but a loving way. The way a father would laugh at his tantruming two year old, full of love and empathy. I felt that he was asking me, "So, what you're implying here, is that you think your inability is powerful enough to hinder my ability? Ha! If I wanted to change something within you, do you honestly think you could stop me? Who are you?"

Well, I just had to laugh at myself as well. What an idiot I was being! My inability, my uselessness, my stupidity, my failures; they are all irrelevant with God, because He is above and beyond them all. I was reminded of that part of the Exodus story, when Moses encounters God at the burning bush. Moses complains of his own weakness and God puts him in his place, reminding him that he is powerful above all weakness. It's probably one of my favourite bits in the Bible, I love it because Moses reminds me a lot of myself at this point, scared and doubtful. "Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”" - Exodus 4:10-12

I think it's good to laugh at yourself, it's humbling. Maybe we should do that more often. And don't ever feel like you're too far gone for God to fix, or not good enough for him to do anything with. Yeah, we're broken, we're messed up, but that's what's amazing about God, he can still fix us and use us, and he chooses to do so. Cool.

Gettin' Dunked!

My baptism - Photo by Kathryn McGrane

Oh hey, look what happened! What's that? I got baptised last Sunday!! Wooohooo yeah partayyy!! Seriously though, it was a great night. I'm still kind of on a high from it all. And this is the part where I write all about it. 

For those who don't know baptism is a kind of rite that's practiced in most churches where you get immersed in or sprinkled with water. The immersion symbolises a few things - the death and resurrection of Christ, and the washing away of our sins. The Baptists (the denomination I attend) believe that baptism is not essential for salvation, instead it is something you do out of obedience to God. The website christianbaptists.com describes it like this - 

"... salvation is something God does for us, while baptism is something we do for God. It is viewed like a wedding ring. The ring doesn’t make a person married, but it tells everyone around them that he married. The ring is the married person’s public profession of his love to a particular person. It is similar to a pledge of allegiance. Baptism is seen the same way by Baptists." I'm not good at explaining this stuff, so do some internet research if you're really curious! Or even better, Bible research. 

Still here after those explanations and stuff? Sweet! I'm sitting here right now wanting to write so much but hardly knowing what to say. Maybe I'll just say a bit of what I said on the night, when I told my testimony to the church (a nervous experience, but a good one).

Giving my testimony - Photo by Kathryn McGrane

I like to look at my life in a series of stages. Stage number 1 - my life before I was a Christian. I was pretty numb back then. I was a good kid, but I didn't understand people. I had no capacity for empathy. I liked being alone, I felt no need to be with other people. I just wasn't that emotional to be honest. I wasn't a big fan of God's either. I was brought up in a Christian family which was great, but I didn't take it too seriously, I just thought God was a big angry policeman in the sky. Until I was 14 anyway. Stage number 2 - after I became a Christian. I rediscovered God at an SU camp when I was 14 years old after hearing a talk about creation. I decided to take my faith seriously then, truly meaning it for the first time ever. After that my life changed, I changed, though I didn't realise for a long time how. God blessed me with the gift of emotions, though at the time it seemed more like a curse haha! I struggled for years, not understanding why I would get so depressed for months and months at a time. However, I kept going with little baby steps, and after a while I learnt more about why God made me that way and why I had changed like that, and I began to exercise control over my emotions. I haven't seriously struggled with them in well over a year now. This marks a new stage. Now that some of the main struggles of my early days as a Christian are behind me, it's time for new things. This marks stage number 3 - big things are coming. Over the past year or so I feel like God has been shaping me and preparing me for new things in my life. I am no longer held down by things like overwhelming depression or fear, obviously the capacity for them still exists in me, but I understand those emotions and know how to fight them now. Anyway, I think God has big things for me in store. So I decided to say yes to that. And the way I wanted to say yes was through baptism. It was my way of saying to God that I am prepared to do what he wants me to do. I am ready. 

And so I did it. I got prayed for by members of the church, I gave my testimony and then Karl and Ciara baptised me. It was an amazing night. This is where things start changing now. Since that night I have felt closer to God than I have in my whole life, I'm already seeing changes within me. I feel confident. I also felt the love and encouragement of so many people both within my church and not. There were a few friends there who came especially for the baptism, which I was so glad to see (shout out to Kathryn, Debbie and Simon, hooray!) I also felt encouragement from friends and family at home, who sent me lovely messages on Facebook and text etc. But most of all right now I'm grateful for my church friends, the girls at Potential. Without their constant support and encouragement, I don't think I would have had the confidence to get up there on Sunday. They have really blessed me and I see God through them all the time. When I signed up for Potential, I never ever expected to be part of such an amazing community, it has exceeded all expectations. I really feel part of something within it and I'm so grateful for that. Girls, if any of you are reading this, I love you all, thank you for being such great friends to me! I'm more grateful than you could know!!

If any of you are considering getting baptised, seriously, I'd really recommend doing it. I'm so glad I did! There's so much more I could probably write right now, but I realise I've already written an awful lot. If anyone wants to talk about anything I've said here more, feel free to drop me a line or something. 

Some stuff - 

• A video of the baptism itself 
• A song that was played that night, which will forever remind me of it
• The Bible verse given to me 

God bless

x