I Have Lied.

There are elements of this blog post that have been in my drafts since New Years, and I'm dreading finishing it. But it needs to be done. I need to be honest, and I need accountability.

There's a reason I've been missing in action from the blogosphere for the past few months, well there are a few reasons. This is the main one. As I've spoken about in previous posts, from September to December of last year I was working on a documentary film about healing. That film is finished, and only a handful of people have seen it. As I'm not prepared to show the film online right now, I'll tell you how it goes - the film opens with me stating my intentions - I want to know more about miraculous healing, as growing up in a traditional church left me unaware of it for the most part. Fair enough. The rest of the film follows me interviewing people who have seen God's healing power in their lives, and at one point going out onto the streets to see I could witness this power in action. I conclude the film by happily stating that seeing and hearing all this has helped me grow in my faith, and it's all so lovely and there's uplifting music and oh gosh what a wonderful world I live in hooray!

I have a confession to make. I have lied. I have lied to myself and I have lied to my audience. Let's look at some quotes from my closing monologue -

• "Seeing that woman walk away with a new spring in her step, and full of joy, made my day, and helped renew parts of my faith that were wavering" - lie
• "Hearing all these stories, seeing the people on the street receive healing, has all inspired me" - lie
• "I've chosen to have that faith" - lie

There is only one part of the film where I tell the truth about my faith, and you can't even tell. In a shot of folded up journal entries, there lies the truth, and you can't even see it. In these journal entries are my true feelings on the subject - I'm struggling; this isn't helping me in my faith; I believe these people have been healed but something's not sitting right in me; something is missing from this etc.

Honestly, I was not okay. Somehow the process of making that film left my faith in a worse place than when I began. Somewhere along the line my view of God got warped and twisted, I found myself becoming increasingly cynical and I felt very alone in my faith. I don't know why this happened. I really don't know and there are days when I weep for the damage my faith has received in this past year. I was sure that it would help things, but it did not. I was left feeling cheated. And I have to be honest with you. It's taking me a long time to get better. I often have to sit myself down and remind myself that yes, God does still love me, because most days I'm just not feeling it. There are glorious days when I feel close to him again and I just wish those days would last forever, but they don't. I'm still cynical, I'm still bitter.

I think what I need to explain is just how important this film has become to me. It was such a personal film, dealing with my own faith. It seems now it is almost metaphorical for my faith. I have not worked on my film since December. I don't like thinking about it. But the thing is, I'm still determined to finish it. I want so badly for this film to reach it's potential. I want to finish with a real, honest film, that takes my doubts and my fears and puts them aside for a faith in a miraculous God. I have had conversations with people having the same struggles as I am that fill me with conviction to give them a film that will help them. And I think that if this film does reach its potential, it could help people. Somewhere, the answers I'm looking for are out there, and I'm determined to find them. I don't know how long this will take. But I'm determined it will happen.

But in the mean time, this is where I am. I'm stuck. I need prayer. I can't bear my faith struggles any longer and I just want to be back where I was previously, loving God and loving life. I don't know what else to say. I like ending on a high note, but I just don't have one today. What I do have is so many questions about healing and faith. I'm not going to list them, I don't think that's necessary, but they're there. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm hoping that God will throw something my way that will make everything clear and I'll go out and film something wonderful and get back on track. I don't know, I really don't know. I have so much to say about this, but I'm trying to keep it short. If you like praying, please pray for me, and pray for my film. There's potential in both of us, but we're not seeing it right now. I really hope it comes soon. Proverbs 17:22 says - "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I think that's relevant. Praying for a cheerful heart right now. 

As always, if you want to talk to me about the film, or well about anything, I would love that. You can e-mail me - jo@joyfulmourne.com

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the whine.

Help Me Make A Film!

Hey there,

for those who don't know me, my name is Jo McClure and I am a student filmmaker. I'm about to go into my 3rd year studying Photography & Film at Edinburgh Napier University and I have big plans for the next year! I want to place a particular focus this year on documentary filmmaking, and I have a film in mind that I would like to make. This is where I need your help. 

I want to make a short film about people being healed through prayer. (This is probably where I am going to lose half my audience who are reading this. "A film about religiousy stuff? Nope. See ya." And that's okay! But for those of you who are still with me here, thank you!) I'm not entirely sure how the film is going to pan out yet, that's something that will become more clear as I get to work alongside my tutors and peers at uni, but I do know a few things. I would really love to get a collection of stories from people who have been healed through prayer, or people who have witnessed it, or maybe you have the gift of healing, really anything to do with it! Seriously, I want to hear about anything and everything. I feel like a lot of people don't realise that this is something that actually happens, and the purpose of this film is to tell them, yes, God is alive and real, he does work and he does heal (tehe unintentional poetry). 

I'll say this - right now this is more about research and getting to know the subject more. Telling me your story doesn't mean it'll necessarily be put in the film. I'm aware that this is a sensitive subject and I don't want to put people in the spotlight who don't want to be. I'm sure in good time God will make it clear what stories he wants spread and it's quite likely I may ask you for a formal filmed interview, but in the mean time all I want is a chat :)

So if you have any stories please don't hesitate to get in touch with me. Or if you know someone else that does, perhaps you could forward this to them. This would mean a lot to me, I would really really love to see this film come to light, and the best way I can do that right now is just by starting to chat to people about this sort of thing. My e-mail address is jomcclure73@gmail.com, or if you see me ever just pull me aside, I would love to talk! I'm also on Facebook and Twitter for those who like the social networking sites. 

Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear from some of you soon!

Jo

Laughable

"He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision." Psalm 4:2

I had a very humbling experience yesterday. For a while I'd been struggling with a few things. Pretty much I wanted to become a better person, and I wanted to do good things for God. I had faith in God, and I truly believed that He could make me a better person and help me do the things he wanted me to do. But there was a voice in the back of my mind, holding me back, telling me I wasn't good enough. I had faith in God alright, but absolutely no faith in myself. Self doubt is something that cripples me a lot. It was like although I knew God had the power, I didn't trust myself to be open enough or 'spiritual' enough to let God do these things within me. Does that make sense? I dunno, but it was something that I had been thinking. I just felt completely useless before God, too useless to be changed for the better. 

It was something I hadn't thought about for a while, but I brought it up last night in a discussion with some fellow students in my church. On the way home I brought it up in prayer again, and this time I felt a response. It's not often that I really feel a response when I pray, so it was a pretty exciting moment. What was the response I felt? Well, I felt God laugh at me. Yep, you read that right. Not in a mean way, or a harsh way, but a loving way. The way a father would laugh at his tantruming two year old, full of love and empathy. I felt that he was asking me, "So, what you're implying here, is that you think your inability is powerful enough to hinder my ability? Ha! If I wanted to change something within you, do you honestly think you could stop me? Who are you?"

Well, I just had to laugh at myself as well. What an idiot I was being! My inability, my uselessness, my stupidity, my failures; they are all irrelevant with God, because He is above and beyond them all. I was reminded of that part of the Exodus story, when Moses encounters God at the burning bush. Moses complains of his own weakness and God puts him in his place, reminding him that he is powerful above all weakness. It's probably one of my favourite bits in the Bible, I love it because Moses reminds me a lot of myself at this point, scared and doubtful. "Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”" - Exodus 4:10-12

I think it's good to laugh at yourself, it's humbling. Maybe we should do that more often. And don't ever feel like you're too far gone for God to fix, or not good enough for him to do anything with. Yeah, we're broken, we're messed up, but that's what's amazing about God, he can still fix us and use us, and he chooses to do so. Cool.

Dream Big*

*Disclaimer - This blog post is essentially about “following my dreams”. I would like to blame the cheesiness of my current state of mind on the copious amounts of ‘Glee’ I have been rewatching over the last few days. It’s been that kind of week. So be prepared for cheesy dreamy stuff. You have been warned.

Edinburgh is a busy city with a high student population, so I’m constantly meeting new people, and often the topic of conversation that gets brought up first is university. When I tell these people that I’m studying photography & film, they’re intrigued, and I often get asked “oh! What are you going to do with that then?” To this I normally respond with a shrug, brushing it off my saying that I don’t know. Sometimes I even convince myself that I don’t know what I want to do, but this is not true. The truth is I know exactly what I want to do with my life, it’s just not what maybe my university colleagues and tutors would consider the ‘smart thing to do’. My biggest interest is film, and I love filmmaking and I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do, but I don’t want to go into the film industry. Yep, I’m awkward like that. You see, I could go back to Belfast or maybe go to London, head to the studios, get a paid job in the film industry, and become a tiny part in the making of someone else’s bigger vision come true. But why would I do that when I have visions of my own?

On location at Murlough beach, filming with Adam Leahy for 'That One Time',  2011

I have a vision. I see myself making short films, music videos, informational films, short documentaries, I dunno, stuff like that, by myself with a handful of friends to help me out. Films and videos which are influenced by my Christian faith. Videos which will be put out on the internet i.e. YouTube and Vimeo, for anyone to see. Who knows? If I get good enough, and start getting recognition, I could start offering my services for commission, but this would only fund the projects themselves. If this goes even further, I could start big projects, like a web series, or a full length documentary, or something like that. This sounds perfect to me. I want to do that so badly. Is there any way for me to make a living out of doing that? Let's be honest, nah. It's extremely unlikely. But do I care? Let's be honest again, nah. I'm going to do this, whether it becomes a 'job' or not. We are called to share our faith as Christians, and I want to do this through the form of film. This is my dream! I feel like this has been my calling for a while now, and I'm so desperate to just get stuck in, but it's not that easy. I’m sitting here dealing with debt, with no form of fully functioning film equipment, only a handful of half finished ideas (but apparently the amazing ability to alliterate). I have a long way to go. I look at what I want to do from where I am now and to be honest sometimes it seems impossible, and I'm close to just giving up on the whole idea. I have been close to giving up many times; it seemed that any time I was getting somewhere, something would happen to throw me right back to square one and I would cry out in despair, wondering why God wasn't making this easy for me. But it's always at these low points where God picks me up again and reminds me that this is what he wants me to do. 

I was listening to a podcast of last week's sermon in my church, and something that was discussed was that if we can live comfortably without God, then we're not doing it right. That brings me comfort. If I was already making these films without any difficulty, without needing to pour my heart out in longing to God in prayer, then I will not have been doing it right. God dares us to dream big dreams. The speaker summed it up well - "If your dreams are humanly achievable, you're not dreaming big enough." I trust that God has plans for my dreams. I don't know how long it will take until I have a screenplay I'm satisfied with, or even a camera to film with, but I know it will happen some day. 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

Healing

"LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me." - Psalm 30:2

It would seem that the girls at Potential rather enjoyed me doing a write up of last weeks events and so I have been asked by quite a few to carry on doing it. Well I guess that's not a bad idea! I'm not always the best at speaking but I do enjoy being able to get my thoughts down on paper (or laptop in this situation) as they just seem so much clearer there than floating about mid air. So after each week I will write up what we discussed and perhaps some things that happened and what I took from the night. Obviously because it is only me doing these write ups you'll be getting mostly my own opinions, so you'll just have to deal with that! Also I'm aware that things could get quite personal with this blog if I'm to write about these nights honestly. I'll just have to deal with that too, but testimony is a good thing so I shouldn't be afraid of being honest about myself. Things could head that direction in this post so I best just dive in the deep end!

Last night we read the other half of Acts 4, being verses 23 to 37 [click here to read]. This passage focused on the power of prayer, especially praying in the name of Jesus. We discussed our prayer lives, and we were all pretty open about the fact that we struggle with prayer. Praying's hard, man! People discussed their various methods of praying, for example some people used journals, some people prayed out loud, some stayed silent, some even prayed in tongues. One thing we all agreed on was that we all could do better. A lot of things hit home with me through out the night, but one thing to do with prayer hit home in particular. Now, one of the things I find hardest about living in Scotland is that I miss my friends at home a lot. It's quite hard to keep in contact sometimes, and when there are times when we go without speaking for a long time I get quite sad and want nothing more for them to just call me and we can have a catch up again because I miss them. We discussed tonight how this is what God feels about us, except so much more. He wants desperately for us to come and talk to him, to tell him everything, but we don't give him that. While I'm sitting in my room pining for conversations with my friends, God is wanting the exact same thing from me. From all of us! Makes you think, doesn't it? (Interestingly this is the second time this week God has pointed out that I'm being hypocritical, that's always fun haha). 

Now's the point where I use a personal story to try to convince you that this prayer thing is important (yaayyy honesty). There have been some things I have been struggling with unconsciously for years that have suddenly become conscious to me, and I have realised how much of a big issue they are, and it scared the crap out of me. I have been getting really stressed out and worried and angry and basically not good. To be honest I hadn't prayed much about it, because I was ashamed. My prayers were brief, mostly just "Help me God, I'm sorry God." However, I knew that this was an issue, and I could feel it bottling up, which is never a good thing, so I decided I wanted to talk about it with someone. I felt that this is what God wanted, so I was like okay God, I'll talk to someone then. I tried, and failed. I tried with a few people, either the conversation was sent other directions, or just went nowhere or never even happened in the first place. It was frustrating. But after the discussions last night, I got home and I thought I should probably just tell God everything, even though he already knows. For some reason I had left God as a last resort, wanting to talk to other people first. So I got home, sat on my bed, and decided to pray out loud to God, something I don't often do. As soon as I started I felt like God was saying "Yes Jo!! Finally you get it!!! The someone you need to talk to is me!!" It was very humbling, and it hit me just how much more I need to do this. God should be my first resort, not my last. Anyway, I kept praying, and I told him everything, all I felt, all I feared, all I wanted. When I finished I was blessed a sudden wave of peace and felt him say

"Jo... I will heal you." 

And that was it. He will heal me. I felt a lot better. So much better. I know I'm not there yet, but now I am confident I will get there. It's weird for me being open about this on the internet like this. It's pretty hard, but I like to hope that someone will get something out of it, and that makes it easier. So seriously, if you're reading this, pray, pray, pray like mad, it's so important! God wants you to talk to him!!

But let's move on from the intense stuff right now, and move on to intensely awesome stuff!! Speaking of healing, we saw something pretty darn cool tonight... healing!! (Never saw that coming, did ya?) Our lovely friend Keziah turned up last night with a complete lack of voice, couldn't speak at all, only whisper. That's never fun, so at the end of the night we prayed for her healing. The whole time we prayed I was thinking how cool it would be if when we finished praying it would immediately be fixed and she would just be like "hellooo!" again. Well... guess what happened. HECK YEAH SHE COULD SPEAK IMMEDIATELY!! Did I mention how important and awesome prayer was? Yeah. It's the best.

Pray guys. Pray.

Indiscriminate Acts of Kindness

Foy Vance & The Ulster Orchestra - Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

Tonight I was hanging out with a few girls from my church, in a group we like to call Potential. When I hang out with these girls every Tuesday night I can expect a whole lot of laughs and friendship and good times, but also awesome God times, I can expect to be challenged. Tonight we studied Acts 4:1-22 (click for link to the passage). One of the things we focused on quite a lot through out the evening was the acts of kindness that the disciples were performing. This kindness was recognised by so many people to be something of God, and many came to faith through this. Yet, as the passage states, the disciples were ordinary men, no one of earthly importance. So if they do this, why can't we?

How amazing would it be if people could see our faith and our God through the things we do every day? It shouldn't be too much effort to perform little acts of kindness to those around us every day, yet do we do it that often? No, simply no we don't. We could be so much better at this! At Potential this week we have challenged ourselves to go beyond the call of duty, and show God's love to our friends, family and even strangers through the things we do for them, the way we treat them. You never know, this could lead them to the God who first loved was kind to us. And I have no doubt that this is what God wants of us, in fact I had an experience on the way home from Potential that made this pretty clear to me.

I was almost home, and the street I was on was still quite busy. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this woman came up to me and stopped me. She was crying, clearly upset and freaking out. She explained her situation and how she had just had an argument with her flatmate and so seemed to have no way home tonight. She asked for my help, quite distraught at her situation and also the fact that she had to ask for help. I was able to pay for her buses home, and she was extremely grateful, trying to work out a way she could somehow pay me back, but I didn't want that. It was a brief encounter, I don't know her name, she doesn't know mine, I only know she works on the street I live on. I do regret not talking to her more, I would have told her about the connection she had to what we were studying tonight. Who knows, maybe I'll see her again. It was strange, I was not the only one on that street, in fact there were a good few other people walking around, yet I was the one she came to. Maybe she saw something different, something approachable in me. I hope so. Basically, I felt like that encounter proved to me that God wants this from us, he wants our kindness, why else would he have immediately presented this situation to me?

So, I want to continue this, not just this week, but beyond. This is our calling, and I dare you to take up the challenge as well. Be kind. Expect nothing in return. Show them God. And in the words of Foy Vance up there, consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness.