Laughable

"He who sits in the heavens laughs; the Lord holds them in derision." Psalm 4:2

I had a very humbling experience yesterday. For a while I'd been struggling with a few things. Pretty much I wanted to become a better person, and I wanted to do good things for God. I had faith in God, and I truly believed that He could make me a better person and help me do the things he wanted me to do. But there was a voice in the back of my mind, holding me back, telling me I wasn't good enough. I had faith in God alright, but absolutely no faith in myself. Self doubt is something that cripples me a lot. It was like although I knew God had the power, I didn't trust myself to be open enough or 'spiritual' enough to let God do these things within me. Does that make sense? I dunno, but it was something that I had been thinking. I just felt completely useless before God, too useless to be changed for the better. 

It was something I hadn't thought about for a while, but I brought it up last night in a discussion with some fellow students in my church. On the way home I brought it up in prayer again, and this time I felt a response. It's not often that I really feel a response when I pray, so it was a pretty exciting moment. What was the response I felt? Well, I felt God laugh at me. Yep, you read that right. Not in a mean way, or a harsh way, but a loving way. The way a father would laugh at his tantruming two year old, full of love and empathy. I felt that he was asking me, "So, what you're implying here, is that you think your inability is powerful enough to hinder my ability? Ha! If I wanted to change something within you, do you honestly think you could stop me? Who are you?"

Well, I just had to laugh at myself as well. What an idiot I was being! My inability, my uselessness, my stupidity, my failures; they are all irrelevant with God, because He is above and beyond them all. I was reminded of that part of the Exodus story, when Moses encounters God at the burning bush. Moses complains of his own weakness and God puts him in his place, reminding him that he is powerful above all weakness. It's probably one of my favourite bits in the Bible, I love it because Moses reminds me a lot of myself at this point, scared and doubtful. "Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”" - Exodus 4:10-12

I think it's good to laugh at yourself, it's humbling. Maybe we should do that more often. And don't ever feel like you're too far gone for God to fix, or not good enough for him to do anything with. Yeah, we're broken, we're messed up, but that's what's amazing about God, he can still fix us and use us, and he chooses to do so. Cool.

Dream Big*

*Disclaimer - This blog post is essentially about “following my dreams”. I would like to blame the cheesiness of my current state of mind on the copious amounts of ‘Glee’ I have been rewatching over the last few days. It’s been that kind of week. So be prepared for cheesy dreamy stuff. You have been warned.

Edinburgh is a busy city with a high student population, so I’m constantly meeting new people, and often the topic of conversation that gets brought up first is university. When I tell these people that I’m studying photography & film, they’re intrigued, and I often get asked “oh! What are you going to do with that then?” To this I normally respond with a shrug, brushing it off my saying that I don’t know. Sometimes I even convince myself that I don’t know what I want to do, but this is not true. The truth is I know exactly what I want to do with my life, it’s just not what maybe my university colleagues and tutors would consider the ‘smart thing to do’. My biggest interest is film, and I love filmmaking and I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do, but I don’t want to go into the film industry. Yep, I’m awkward like that. You see, I could go back to Belfast or maybe go to London, head to the studios, get a paid job in the film industry, and become a tiny part in the making of someone else’s bigger vision come true. But why would I do that when I have visions of my own?

On location at Murlough beach, filming with Adam Leahy for 'That One Time',  2011

I have a vision. I see myself making short films, music videos, informational films, short documentaries, I dunno, stuff like that, by myself with a handful of friends to help me out. Films and videos which are influenced by my Christian faith. Videos which will be put out on the internet i.e. YouTube and Vimeo, for anyone to see. Who knows? If I get good enough, and start getting recognition, I could start offering my services for commission, but this would only fund the projects themselves. If this goes even further, I could start big projects, like a web series, or a full length documentary, or something like that. This sounds perfect to me. I want to do that so badly. Is there any way for me to make a living out of doing that? Let's be honest, nah. It's extremely unlikely. But do I care? Let's be honest again, nah. I'm going to do this, whether it becomes a 'job' or not. We are called to share our faith as Christians, and I want to do this through the form of film. This is my dream! I feel like this has been my calling for a while now, and I'm so desperate to just get stuck in, but it's not that easy. I’m sitting here dealing with debt, with no form of fully functioning film equipment, only a handful of half finished ideas (but apparently the amazing ability to alliterate). I have a long way to go. I look at what I want to do from where I am now and to be honest sometimes it seems impossible, and I'm close to just giving up on the whole idea. I have been close to giving up many times; it seemed that any time I was getting somewhere, something would happen to throw me right back to square one and I would cry out in despair, wondering why God wasn't making this easy for me. But it's always at these low points where God picks me up again and reminds me that this is what he wants me to do. 

I was listening to a podcast of last week's sermon in my church, and something that was discussed was that if we can live comfortably without God, then we're not doing it right. That brings me comfort. If I was already making these films without any difficulty, without needing to pour my heart out in longing to God in prayer, then I will not have been doing it right. God dares us to dream big dreams. The speaker summed it up well - "If your dreams are humanly achievable, you're not dreaming big enough." I trust that God has plans for my dreams. I don't know how long it will take until I have a screenplay I'm satisfied with, or even a camera to film with, but I know it will happen some day. 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

NO FOMO

The fear of missing out (F.O.M.O. if you will), we all have it, some of us more than others. Those who know me well know that this is something I do struggle with a lot, especially back home in Northern Ireland. It affects me a lot, and it's something I have to deal with a lot, but those are all stories for another time. We discussed this issue last night at Potential and it hit home with me a lot. Today when I found myself facing the fear of missing out, I said to myself "No FOMO" to remind myself not to be bothered by that stuff. I am writing this post around dinner time, and already I have counted at least five or six times I have thought it to myself today. Six times in one day? That can't be right! But nope, it's quite convicting to realise just how much I think about this stuff, how much it affects me. And I know I'm not the only one. Chances are you who are reading this also struggle with this as much as I do. So let's sort it out together.

Being excluded is hard, but we can find comfort. When we feel unloved, or unappreciated it can seem pretty hopeless, but let's not forget that we are loved! We are loved immensely, immeasurably! By who? By God, the creator of all things, who made us and sent his Son to die for us. That's pretty cool. Makes me wonder why I care and stress so much about who else loves me. And God gets it! He understands that we feel lonely or excluded, and he wants to help us! He loves us so much and he wants us to know that. He was human once too, and he experienced all of it. He watched as his friends deserted him and denied him, and I can bet that all that hurt him a lot. So you are not alone. You are loved. And he understands. Still not convinced? Let's Bible it up in here!! (Shout out to Claudia and Naomi for picking out these great verses)

"Hear the word of the Lord,  you who tremble at his word: “Your own people who hate you, and exclude you because of my name, have said, ‘Let the Lord be glorified, that we may see your joy!' Yet they will be put to shame." - Isaiah 66:5

Are you excluded because of your faith? Fear not, God is watching over you. All these things are for his purpose and for his glory.  

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5: 7

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31: 8 

These are just some great comforting verses for when we are discouraged and feel alone. You are never alone, he will always be there.

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." - Psalm 27:10

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." - Isaiah 49:15-16 

 This is the awesome stuff. If we can think of people in our life that should be the ones to always be there for us, to always love us, it would be our parents, right? And for most of us, they do love us dearly and do look out for us. But parents mess up, they're human. And that can hurt because we expect them to be the most supportive of everyone we know. But God is the ultimate parent, a great Father. He never ever gives up on us, or leaves us. That's awesome!! When others fail, God prevails. (I made a rhyme tehe)

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." - John 15:13 

Have I mentioned that Jesus loved us so much that he DIED for us? KABOOM ULTIMATE LOVE.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." - Philippians 3:20-21

If you still feel sad, still feel discouraged, remember that this earth is not our home. We have an eternal life ahead of us that is perfect, we will never be excluded in heaven. It is our home.

I hope those verses bring comfort to you. I personally am going to strive to remember them in my times of loneliness. But, as much as it's good to build people up and encourage them, that's not all I want to say tonight. This is not a one way street. Those of us who feel excluded are not guiltless ourselves, I'm sure many of us have excluded other people as well, purposefully or not. I know I have. I was reading an article about how the church treats homosexuality the other day... I can almost hear you saying "woah, Jo, is this blog post suddenly going to get into an intense theological debate now?!" but don't worry, it's not. Anyway the writer of the article spoke about how he saw the church excluding members of the gay community, and he believed it was wrong. He quoted this verse, spoken by Jesus to the Pharisees.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." - Matthew 23:13

It is clear that Jesus has strong views about excluding people, especially in church situations. He's pretty angry as he says these things, that's hard to deny!  I'm not going to get into the whole debate about homosexuality here (if you want to read the article, click here, I'd recommend it); I just want to discuss the verse in an overall sense, I'm just using that article as a bit of modern context. We can be so guilty of excluding people for various reasons, perhaps their upbringing, their nationality, their sexuality etc, maybe they just annoy us a bit! When we do that, we shut the door in their faces. We all have experienced it, we know how hard it is. So we must strive not to provoke those feelings in others, else we be hypocrites. That's a pretty convicting thought. What if we all tried to be more inclusive, to be inviting? Would that not be a great reflection of Jesus' love? This is something we all need to work on, and it can be scary, but it is important. We could bring so many more people to God if they saw what welcoming people we were, without boundaries and borders. It's a challenge anyway. 

Now there's a lot more to FOMO than just exclusion, but that's the part I mainly wanted to talk about tonight. It's a long enough post without the rest of it, I don't want to bore you all and I'm not even sure if what I have written makes much sense haha! There's probably still a whole lot more I could write even on this subject but I'll leave the rest up to you, seek out God's comfort and wisdom. In summation, remember you are loved, and remember to love. It's the most important commandment for a reason.

God bless, peace out, and no FOMO.

Jo x