I Have Lied.

There are elements of this blog post that have been in my drafts since New Years, and I'm dreading finishing it. But it needs to be done. I need to be honest, and I need accountability.

There's a reason I've been missing in action from the blogosphere for the past few months, well there are a few reasons. This is the main one. As I've spoken about in previous posts, from September to December of last year I was working on a documentary film about healing. That film is finished, and only a handful of people have seen it. As I'm not prepared to show the film online right now, I'll tell you how it goes - the film opens with me stating my intentions - I want to know more about miraculous healing, as growing up in a traditional church left me unaware of it for the most part. Fair enough. The rest of the film follows me interviewing people who have seen God's healing power in their lives, and at one point going out onto the streets to see I could witness this power in action. I conclude the film by happily stating that seeing and hearing all this has helped me grow in my faith, and it's all so lovely and there's uplifting music and oh gosh what a wonderful world I live in hooray!

I have a confession to make. I have lied. I have lied to myself and I have lied to my audience. Let's look at some quotes from my closing monologue -

• "Seeing that woman walk away with a new spring in her step, and full of joy, made my day, and helped renew parts of my faith that were wavering" - lie
• "Hearing all these stories, seeing the people on the street receive healing, has all inspired me" - lie
• "I've chosen to have that faith" - lie

There is only one part of the film where I tell the truth about my faith, and you can't even tell. In a shot of folded up journal entries, there lies the truth, and you can't even see it. In these journal entries are my true feelings on the subject - I'm struggling; this isn't helping me in my faith; I believe these people have been healed but something's not sitting right in me; something is missing from this etc.

Honestly, I was not okay. Somehow the process of making that film left my faith in a worse place than when I began. Somewhere along the line my view of God got warped and twisted, I found myself becoming increasingly cynical and I felt very alone in my faith. I don't know why this happened. I really don't know and there are days when I weep for the damage my faith has received in this past year. I was sure that it would help things, but it did not. I was left feeling cheated. And I have to be honest with you. It's taking me a long time to get better. I often have to sit myself down and remind myself that yes, God does still love me, because most days I'm just not feeling it. There are glorious days when I feel close to him again and I just wish those days would last forever, but they don't. I'm still cynical, I'm still bitter.

I think what I need to explain is just how important this film has become to me. It was such a personal film, dealing with my own faith. It seems now it is almost metaphorical for my faith. I have not worked on my film since December. I don't like thinking about it. But the thing is, I'm still determined to finish it. I want so badly for this film to reach it's potential. I want to finish with a real, honest film, that takes my doubts and my fears and puts them aside for a faith in a miraculous God. I have had conversations with people having the same struggles as I am that fill me with conviction to give them a film that will help them. And I think that if this film does reach its potential, it could help people. Somewhere, the answers I'm looking for are out there, and I'm determined to find them. I don't know how long this will take. But I'm determined it will happen.

But in the mean time, this is where I am. I'm stuck. I need prayer. I can't bear my faith struggles any longer and I just want to be back where I was previously, loving God and loving life. I don't know what else to say. I like ending on a high note, but I just don't have one today. What I do have is so many questions about healing and faith. I'm not going to list them, I don't think that's necessary, but they're there. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm hoping that God will throw something my way that will make everything clear and I'll go out and film something wonderful and get back on track. I don't know, I really don't know. I have so much to say about this, but I'm trying to keep it short. If you like praying, please pray for me, and pray for my film. There's potential in both of us, but we're not seeing it right now. I really hope it comes soon. Proverbs 17:22 says - "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I think that's relevant. Praying for a cheerful heart right now. 

As always, if you want to talk to me about the film, or well about anything, I would love that. You can e-mail me - jo@joyfulmourne.com

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the whine.

A Letter To 2014

Dear 2014,

I am excited for you and I am terrified of you. I've always been quite good at peering into the future and having a good guess at what the time ahead was going to be like. For example, in 2010 I could tell that a huge change was coming, right before my entire friendship group got turned on its head and I found myself in a much better, entirely different friendship situation. Coming into 2013 I knew that that year was going to be, well, 'defining' was the word I used, and I wasn't so sure what that meant. And, well it turned out to be just that. I spent the first part of my year on an absolute high. My community in Edinburgh was amazing, I felt more at home in that city than ever, I was making films with people I love and things were just going well for me. I found that I had become the best version of myself I had ever been. I was confident, enough so that I was able to tell my testimony on stage in front of hundreds of people the night I got baptised. I was closer to God than I'd ever been. I conquered many fears, which truly amazed me. However, in the months following and since, I began to struggle with my faith. I suppose the higher you get the harder you fall, right? I'm not going to lie, I'm still struggling a lot right now. Until the start of December I hadn't felt close to God in months, and it's just slowly starting to come back. But God is teaching me through this struggle, I know that. Through the good times and the hard times, it has been defining. I have learnt so much about myself and I am grateful for that.

But 2013 is over. Now it's your turn 2014. I want you to be a great year, 2014, I really do. And looking at my plans for the year, you have the potential to be the best year ever. I do have big plans for you. I want you to be the year that my filmmaking takes off. I want to release my documentary, Unboxed, and if I have the time I want to make another documentary. Joyful Mourne Media has been a huge dream of mine for years now, and it's slowly starting to come into fruition. That's incredibly exciting, but I feel in my heart it will have truly begun when I release Unboxed. That's where you come in, 2014. I'm counting on you to be the year that all this happens. To be honest, I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to screw you up. I guess I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I can hope and I can pray. 

Aside from my filmmaking goals, I want you to be the year I come back to a good relationship with God. That's something I need above all else. I want to get back into journalling regularly; I want to be interested in reading the Bible again; when I worship, I want to be really worshipping, not just singing a song that I like; I want to pray and fast. My faith is the most important thing to me in my life, so I should start acting like it is. That's my goal. I need that strong faith to support all my goals, it's so vital. And God deserves everything, my all. So I should give it to him. Yes. This is going to be the year I fix my faith. 

And you know what, 2014? Let's make it fun too. Let's go rollerblading, let's go on holiday, let's make snowmen and take my sister out more. Let's go hiking, and photographing, and let's make more friends, while getting even closer to the old friends. Let's laugh until we cry, and not worry about what others think. This could be the best year ever. Let's do that. I'm going to hustle my way into a great year.

2014... It's a pleasure to meet you. 

Love from,

Jo.