I Have Lied.

There are elements of this blog post that have been in my drafts since New Years, and I'm dreading finishing it. But it needs to be done. I need to be honest, and I need accountability.

There's a reason I've been missing in action from the blogosphere for the past few months, well there are a few reasons. This is the main one. As I've spoken about in previous posts, from September to December of last year I was working on a documentary film about healing. That film is finished, and only a handful of people have seen it. As I'm not prepared to show the film online right now, I'll tell you how it goes - the film opens with me stating my intentions - I want to know more about miraculous healing, as growing up in a traditional church left me unaware of it for the most part. Fair enough. The rest of the film follows me interviewing people who have seen God's healing power in their lives, and at one point going out onto the streets to see I could witness this power in action. I conclude the film by happily stating that seeing and hearing all this has helped me grow in my faith, and it's all so lovely and there's uplifting music and oh gosh what a wonderful world I live in hooray!

I have a confession to make. I have lied. I have lied to myself and I have lied to my audience. Let's look at some quotes from my closing monologue -

• "Seeing that woman walk away with a new spring in her step, and full of joy, made my day, and helped renew parts of my faith that were wavering" - lie
• "Hearing all these stories, seeing the people on the street receive healing, has all inspired me" - lie
• "I've chosen to have that faith" - lie

There is only one part of the film where I tell the truth about my faith, and you can't even tell. In a shot of folded up journal entries, there lies the truth, and you can't even see it. In these journal entries are my true feelings on the subject - I'm struggling; this isn't helping me in my faith; I believe these people have been healed but something's not sitting right in me; something is missing from this etc.

Honestly, I was not okay. Somehow the process of making that film left my faith in a worse place than when I began. Somewhere along the line my view of God got warped and twisted, I found myself becoming increasingly cynical and I felt very alone in my faith. I don't know why this happened. I really don't know and there are days when I weep for the damage my faith has received in this past year. I was sure that it would help things, but it did not. I was left feeling cheated. And I have to be honest with you. It's taking me a long time to get better. I often have to sit myself down and remind myself that yes, God does still love me, because most days I'm just not feeling it. There are glorious days when I feel close to him again and I just wish those days would last forever, but they don't. I'm still cynical, I'm still bitter.

I think what I need to explain is just how important this film has become to me. It was such a personal film, dealing with my own faith. It seems now it is almost metaphorical for my faith. I have not worked on my film since December. I don't like thinking about it. But the thing is, I'm still determined to finish it. I want so badly for this film to reach it's potential. I want to finish with a real, honest film, that takes my doubts and my fears and puts them aside for a faith in a miraculous God. I have had conversations with people having the same struggles as I am that fill me with conviction to give them a film that will help them. And I think that if this film does reach its potential, it could help people. Somewhere, the answers I'm looking for are out there, and I'm determined to find them. I don't know how long this will take. But I'm determined it will happen.

But in the mean time, this is where I am. I'm stuck. I need prayer. I can't bear my faith struggles any longer and I just want to be back where I was previously, loving God and loving life. I don't know what else to say. I like ending on a high note, but I just don't have one today. What I do have is so many questions about healing and faith. I'm not going to list them, I don't think that's necessary, but they're there. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm hoping that God will throw something my way that will make everything clear and I'll go out and film something wonderful and get back on track. I don't know, I really don't know. I have so much to say about this, but I'm trying to keep it short. If you like praying, please pray for me, and pray for my film. There's potential in both of us, but we're not seeing it right now. I really hope it comes soon. Proverbs 17:22 says - "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I think that's relevant. Praying for a cheerful heart right now. 

As always, if you want to talk to me about the film, or well about anything, I would love that. You can e-mail me - jo@joyfulmourne.com

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the whine.

Help Me Make A Film!

Hey there,

for those who don't know me, my name is Jo McClure and I am a student filmmaker. I'm about to go into my 3rd year studying Photography & Film at Edinburgh Napier University and I have big plans for the next year! I want to place a particular focus this year on documentary filmmaking, and I have a film in mind that I would like to make. This is where I need your help. 

I want to make a short film about people being healed through prayer. (This is probably where I am going to lose half my audience who are reading this. "A film about religiousy stuff? Nope. See ya." And that's okay! But for those of you who are still with me here, thank you!) I'm not entirely sure how the film is going to pan out yet, that's something that will become more clear as I get to work alongside my tutors and peers at uni, but I do know a few things. I would really love to get a collection of stories from people who have been healed through prayer, or people who have witnessed it, or maybe you have the gift of healing, really anything to do with it! Seriously, I want to hear about anything and everything. I feel like a lot of people don't realise that this is something that actually happens, and the purpose of this film is to tell them, yes, God is alive and real, he does work and he does heal (tehe unintentional poetry). 

I'll say this - right now this is more about research and getting to know the subject more. Telling me your story doesn't mean it'll necessarily be put in the film. I'm aware that this is a sensitive subject and I don't want to put people in the spotlight who don't want to be. I'm sure in good time God will make it clear what stories he wants spread and it's quite likely I may ask you for a formal filmed interview, but in the mean time all I want is a chat :)

So if you have any stories please don't hesitate to get in touch with me. Or if you know someone else that does, perhaps you could forward this to them. This would mean a lot to me, I would really really love to see this film come to light, and the best way I can do that right now is just by starting to chat to people about this sort of thing. My e-mail address is jomcclure73@gmail.com, or if you see me ever just pull me aside, I would love to talk! I'm also on Facebook and Twitter for those who like the social networking sites. 

Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear from some of you soon!

Jo

FUSED 2013 - A Quick Recap

Well well well, it's been a while since I've done a proper big blog post here, hasn't it? It's been a pretty busy summer, but that isn't really an excuse. I guess I just haven't had much to say until recently. But that changes today, because today I'm going to write about FUSED. If you know me well, you'll know that for the past four years I have been a leader at a summer scheme in my home town called FUSED. This year, as well as helping out with the Adventurers (kids age 8-11) most days where I worked previously; I had the privilege of actually being a co-section leader of the Swifts (the youngest group) along with my best friend / adoptive big brother Adam Leahy. Leahy is a fantastic guy and a joy to work with. And I hope he's not reading this right now or his ego will inflate like a balloon and he won't let me hear the end of it! We had a fantastic team to  boss around  work with, big shout out to Zoe, James, Megan, Hannah, Cara and Jenny. These guys exceeded expectations despite their young age (most of them were around 16) and were great leaders, both Adam and I felt so blessed to be working with such great people. 

They let us two be in charge, whoops.

Adam Leahy

The fantastic 'Swifts', leaders and kids

If you don't know exactly what FUSED is, here is a video I made to explain it. Incidentally, this video is technically my first ever film under the name 'Joyful Mourne Media' which is exciting, but I'll blog about that more later - 

FUSED 2013 from Joyful Mourne on Vimeo.

I'll just let that video explain what goes on at FUSED. But in writing I can get down to the more nitty gritty stuff. FUSED this year was crazy. Each group has two sessions a day, usually in the afternoon and evening. Swifts, however, has only one session a day, in the morning, allowing me and a few other leaders to take part in another group as well. Three sessions a day was exhausting, I hardly had time to stop and think, but it was good. I would have hated to miss out on helping out with the Adventurers this year, so it was great to go back there with the usual team. 

And the kids, oh how I love those kids! They are so enthusiastic and excited to come back every year which is such an encouragement to see! They clamber over you and give you odd nicknames (a new one for me this year was 'Kangaroo') and attempt to get piggy backs and draw you pictures and they are just the best things ever! This year they seemed more curious than ever, kids that seem so young and innocent ask such hard hitting questions that leave us humbled, and it's just crazy to see how hungry they are for learning more about God. Over 20 youth gave their lives to Christ this summer at FUSED, which is so exciting!! I know numbers shouldn't be something to focus on, and I can tell you that that is not what we focus on, but it's still wonderful news and I am so excited for them all. Keep those kids in your prayers as they start their new lives with God! 

I always find FUSED a very humbling experience. There are days in it every year when I feel like absolute crap, if I'm honest. It's a fortnight of spiritual warfare, when I can always feel like I'm being attacked at my weak points. But I always come out the other end stronger. FUSED is not only great for those kids, but it's a great experience for the leaders too, and I thank God for that. Having been as a youth before I was a leader, it's great being able to watch the programme grow from its early , humble beginnings to something so much bigger. I encourage you to support it in any way you can, whether its becoming a leader next year or even just keeping it in your prayers. FUSED is a beacon of hope in what have been a dark and scary few months in Newcastle, Co Down, and I thank God for it. 

Jo's Film Diary

Just gonna get stuck straight in... I want to make films about Jesus.

I made a post about this kinda stuff earlier in the year [see that post here] but I felt for a while that I should attempt to make a vlog about it, just because I'm not good at talking about it in real life. You can watch that vlog below, which I would love it if you did just that. It's fairly long, about 9 minutes, which is pretty long for a vlog, but I cut it down as much as possible haha! There's more I could say but this was the basics - 

I think this is something I'll continue to do, vlog updates about what's going on with the project. I think that way, the people who watch these things can keep me accountable, which is something I desperately need. So please watch, and you will hopefully see more of these soon (and hopefully some actual short films). If you are genuinely interested in what I will be doing, the best way to keep updated is probably to subscribe on YouTube, if you have an account, then you'll get notified there every time I upload one of these things.

EDIT: A big thank you to everyone who has responded to this video, whether on YouTube itself, on other social media sites or in person. Your support means the world to me, seriously. I've definitely noticed an increase in people asking me about it, which is great for accountability, please keep that up! It's nice when I hear people being interested in it anyway.

Dream Big*

*Disclaimer - This blog post is essentially about “following my dreams”. I would like to blame the cheesiness of my current state of mind on the copious amounts of ‘Glee’ I have been rewatching over the last few days. It’s been that kind of week. So be prepared for cheesy dreamy stuff. You have been warned.

Edinburgh is a busy city with a high student population, so I’m constantly meeting new people, and often the topic of conversation that gets brought up first is university. When I tell these people that I’m studying photography & film, they’re intrigued, and I often get asked “oh! What are you going to do with that then?” To this I normally respond with a shrug, brushing it off my saying that I don’t know. Sometimes I even convince myself that I don’t know what I want to do, but this is not true. The truth is I know exactly what I want to do with my life, it’s just not what maybe my university colleagues and tutors would consider the ‘smart thing to do’. My biggest interest is film, and I love filmmaking and I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do, but I don’t want to go into the film industry. Yep, I’m awkward like that. You see, I could go back to Belfast or maybe go to London, head to the studios, get a paid job in the film industry, and become a tiny part in the making of someone else’s bigger vision come true. But why would I do that when I have visions of my own?

On location at Murlough beach, filming with Adam Leahy for 'That One Time',  2011

I have a vision. I see myself making short films, music videos, informational films, short documentaries, I dunno, stuff like that, by myself with a handful of friends to help me out. Films and videos which are influenced by my Christian faith. Videos which will be put out on the internet i.e. YouTube and Vimeo, for anyone to see. Who knows? If I get good enough, and start getting recognition, I could start offering my services for commission, but this would only fund the projects themselves. If this goes even further, I could start big projects, like a web series, or a full length documentary, or something like that. This sounds perfect to me. I want to do that so badly. Is there any way for me to make a living out of doing that? Let's be honest, nah. It's extremely unlikely. But do I care? Let's be honest again, nah. I'm going to do this, whether it becomes a 'job' or not. We are called to share our faith as Christians, and I want to do this through the form of film. This is my dream! I feel like this has been my calling for a while now, and I'm so desperate to just get stuck in, but it's not that easy. I’m sitting here dealing with debt, with no form of fully functioning film equipment, only a handful of half finished ideas (but apparently the amazing ability to alliterate). I have a long way to go. I look at what I want to do from where I am now and to be honest sometimes it seems impossible, and I'm close to just giving up on the whole idea. I have been close to giving up many times; it seemed that any time I was getting somewhere, something would happen to throw me right back to square one and I would cry out in despair, wondering why God wasn't making this easy for me. But it's always at these low points where God picks me up again and reminds me that this is what he wants me to do. 

I was listening to a podcast of last week's sermon in my church, and something that was discussed was that if we can live comfortably without God, then we're not doing it right. That brings me comfort. If I was already making these films without any difficulty, without needing to pour my heart out in longing to God in prayer, then I will not have been doing it right. God dares us to dream big dreams. The speaker summed it up well - "If your dreams are humanly achievable, you're not dreaming big enough." I trust that God has plans for my dreams. I don't know how long it will take until I have a screenplay I'm satisfied with, or even a camera to film with, but I know it will happen some day. 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4