I Have Lied.

There are elements of this blog post that have been in my drafts since New Years, and I'm dreading finishing it. But it needs to be done. I need to be honest, and I need accountability.

There's a reason I've been missing in action from the blogosphere for the past few months, well there are a few reasons. This is the main one. As I've spoken about in previous posts, from September to December of last year I was working on a documentary film about healing. That film is finished, and only a handful of people have seen it. As I'm not prepared to show the film online right now, I'll tell you how it goes - the film opens with me stating my intentions - I want to know more about miraculous healing, as growing up in a traditional church left me unaware of it for the most part. Fair enough. The rest of the film follows me interviewing people who have seen God's healing power in their lives, and at one point going out onto the streets to see I could witness this power in action. I conclude the film by happily stating that seeing and hearing all this has helped me grow in my faith, and it's all so lovely and there's uplifting music and oh gosh what a wonderful world I live in hooray!

I have a confession to make. I have lied. I have lied to myself and I have lied to my audience. Let's look at some quotes from my closing monologue -

• "Seeing that woman walk away with a new spring in her step, and full of joy, made my day, and helped renew parts of my faith that were wavering" - lie
• "Hearing all these stories, seeing the people on the street receive healing, has all inspired me" - lie
• "I've chosen to have that faith" - lie

There is only one part of the film where I tell the truth about my faith, and you can't even tell. In a shot of folded up journal entries, there lies the truth, and you can't even see it. In these journal entries are my true feelings on the subject - I'm struggling; this isn't helping me in my faith; I believe these people have been healed but something's not sitting right in me; something is missing from this etc.

Honestly, I was not okay. Somehow the process of making that film left my faith in a worse place than when I began. Somewhere along the line my view of God got warped and twisted, I found myself becoming increasingly cynical and I felt very alone in my faith. I don't know why this happened. I really don't know and there are days when I weep for the damage my faith has received in this past year. I was sure that it would help things, but it did not. I was left feeling cheated. And I have to be honest with you. It's taking me a long time to get better. I often have to sit myself down and remind myself that yes, God does still love me, because most days I'm just not feeling it. There are glorious days when I feel close to him again and I just wish those days would last forever, but they don't. I'm still cynical, I'm still bitter.

I think what I need to explain is just how important this film has become to me. It was such a personal film, dealing with my own faith. It seems now it is almost metaphorical for my faith. I have not worked on my film since December. I don't like thinking about it. But the thing is, I'm still determined to finish it. I want so badly for this film to reach it's potential. I want to finish with a real, honest film, that takes my doubts and my fears and puts them aside for a faith in a miraculous God. I have had conversations with people having the same struggles as I am that fill me with conviction to give them a film that will help them. And I think that if this film does reach its potential, it could help people. Somewhere, the answers I'm looking for are out there, and I'm determined to find them. I don't know how long this will take. But I'm determined it will happen.

But in the mean time, this is where I am. I'm stuck. I need prayer. I can't bear my faith struggles any longer and I just want to be back where I was previously, loving God and loving life. I don't know what else to say. I like ending on a high note, but I just don't have one today. What I do have is so many questions about healing and faith. I'm not going to list them, I don't think that's necessary, but they're there. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm hoping that God will throw something my way that will make everything clear and I'll go out and film something wonderful and get back on track. I don't know, I really don't know. I have so much to say about this, but I'm trying to keep it short. If you like praying, please pray for me, and pray for my film. There's potential in both of us, but we're not seeing it right now. I really hope it comes soon. Proverbs 17:22 says - "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I think that's relevant. Praying for a cheerful heart right now. 

As always, if you want to talk to me about the film, or well about anything, I would love that. You can e-mail me - jo@joyfulmourne.com

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the whine.

My Talented Friends

I mentioned in a previous post that I might do a masterpost of a few documentaries that have been uploaded online by my classmates, so this is it, as promised. I'm very blessed to work with such talented people. And they're not just classmates, we're all really good friends. I'm very proud of all the work that everyone has done! There was such a variety in the styles and subjects of the films and that was really cool to see. And now you can watch their work too, in no particular order. Now when they all become famous filmmakers you can say you've seen their work here first. I've just managed to find four films altogether, but hopefully there will be more soon. Give them your love -

A Kind of Sleep - dir. Eilidh Mitchell

This was definitely the scariest documentary out of all of ours. It is a study into the state of sleep paralysis, focusing on the mythology surrounding it. A really interesting and gripping film. 

The Weight - dir. Rasmus Räni

An interesting character study on amateur bodybuilder Gavin Smith, as well as an exploration of the idea of bodybuilding as a lifestyle. Rasmus has always been very talented with a camera, and this certainly shines through here. 

Trouble - dir. Kathryn McGrane

Another character study here, this time on an ex-IRA member. Being from Northern Ireland myself I really enjoyed this film, but those unfamiliar with the Troubles will also be intrigued by this man's stories. 

Mors Sceptra Ligonibus Aequat  dir. Kyriaki 'Sandy' Sigala

Sandy's film is a good example of how varied the styles are within our small class. This is an experimental film focused on death, and death rituals in various religions. It's a very fascinating film, keep an eye out for the sky burial scene, it's my favourite part. 

The Trouble With Northern Irish Films

Now I don't often rant like this, so bear with me. Tonight out of curiosity I just had a little look at a list of all known films set in Northern Ireland. Out of all the ones I could get information on (around 50 films), I counted five that didn't explicitly use the Troubles as a plot point. FIVE. Now, my source is Wikipedia, so obviously this could be inaccurate. And this has not been a thorough search on my behalf. But if this is anything to go by, it looks like 9/10 films based in NI revolve around the Troubles. And I have issues with this. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against making films about sectarianism or the Troubles. It's our history, and a real part of many people's lives, we obviously can't ignore it. And yes, you could say it's a interesting and gripping subject for filmmaking. This is not me putting down any film about the Troubles. This is not me putting down the stories that are being told here. There are great films about it out there, Mickeybo and Me happens to be one of my favourite films. Yes, sectarianism is still a big issue for us, not as much as it has been the entire time our country has existed, but yes, it's still there. We can't deny these things and therefore obviously they're going to be a big part of our art. But come on!! Have we nothing more to give? 

Northern Ireland has a booming film and television industry. Anybody who's familiar with Game of Thrones probably knows this already. We have one of Europe's largest film studios, a fantastic crew based there, a vast amount of talented actors and filmmakers, and we've hosted some really well known Hollywood films in the past few years. We have the capacity to make amazing films about anything we want to. 

A sidenote: It's worth noting (as my boyfriend pointed out to me) that it's only recently, within the peace process, that films not about the Troubles are most likely to be made, because it isn't as present an issue anymore. That is true. But it's also worth noting that the Northern Irish film industry is only a recent thing itself, with the vast majority of all these films, about the Troubles or not, being made in the 90's and onwards. 

Northern Irish filmmakers, I get it that you want to make films about your history. And that's okay. That's good. Embrace your culture. Deal with your past. Tell those stories you've grown up hearing. And yes, keep making those films! But hear me when I say this. The Troubles are a huge part of our lives, but they do not define us. What does define us? Our infectious friendliness, that crazy accent of ours that other countries somehow find attractive (what), our dark sense of humour and ability to laugh in the hardest situations,  our overuse of the word 'situation', our little inside jokes, our fine baking skills, the way we know everyone and their cousin, our musical culture, and so much more! Can we focus on that instead? We lack the diversity that other countries have in their films, and I believe we need to fix this, for our own sake. 

It may not be true that 9/10 films set in Northern Ireland are about the Troubles, but certainly this is the impression we're giving. Let's show the world that we are not all the sectarian extremists that they might believe us to be. Let's make romance films that aren't retellings of the Romeo and Juliet story between a Catholic and Protestant couple. Heck, let's make a thriller film where the murderer kills people unbiasedly, instead of just people from the opposite side of the community! Make a documentary film about the farmers in the Mourne Mountains. Make a fantasy epic based at the Giant's Causeway. Make a drama about the workers at Harland and Wolff. I love Northern Ireland, I believe we have so much to offer. Let's show the world that. 

View of Belfast from the sea

On Making a Faith Oriented Film for Uni

Things are starting to happen with this film of mine which is very exciting! I talk a bit about it in this video above here. Again, those who have stories of healing and would be up for talking to me about them, please contact me, I would love to chat!! Seriously, any stories would be wonderful, you evem don't have to be in the film if you don't want to. E-mail: jo@joyfulmourne.com. Phone: 07412330665

So far making this film is proving quite the experience for me, and I haven't even begun filming yet! Never before has my faith come in contact with my university or school work like this before, and it is both exciting and terrifying. It's really quite surreal to sit with your lecturer in a tutorial discussing Jesus' teachings and fundamental Christian theology. Surreal, but pretty cool too. I have to admit, every time I have to get up in front of that class to discuss how my film is getting on, I'm terrified. I'm so aware that people could think I'm crazy, believing in stuff like this. At a few points my lecturer has made me speak about my own personal faith in front of the class. I've spoken about my faith to crowds before quite happily, but speaking about it to a Christian crowd feels quite different to speaking about it in a room full of athiests. I can't remember the last time I stammered so much in anything! But God has been gracious, and my friends have been very supportive, even expressing interest in my film. And if they do believe I'm crazy, well, they haven't said it to my face anyway haha! My hope is that through this film I'm making my friends might be able to see more of this God I talk about. 

I'll admit there's stuff I'm too scared to say still. On getting asked why I want to make the film, which I get asked a lot by my lecturer, the answer 'I believe God wants me to make this film' has always been replaced by '*shrug* I guess I'm just interested in finding out more about healing because I don't know much about it' (which is true also to be fair). I'm also scared of asking people to help me out with it. Most of all I am terrified of screwing up the film. I'm scared that everything's just going to fall through and I will have nothing to show. And I'm scared of it turning out just a badly made film haha! But I trust God, and I'm excited to see how it will turn up.

If you're the praying type, I would really appreciate prayer while I make this film. It's going to be a big challenge for me, one that I know I'll never be able to do without the support of God and also people like yourself. Cheers.

Help Me Make A Film!

Hey there,

for those who don't know me, my name is Jo McClure and I am a student filmmaker. I'm about to go into my 3rd year studying Photography & Film at Edinburgh Napier University and I have big plans for the next year! I want to place a particular focus this year on documentary filmmaking, and I have a film in mind that I would like to make. This is where I need your help. 

I want to make a short film about people being healed through prayer. (This is probably where I am going to lose half my audience who are reading this. "A film about religiousy stuff? Nope. See ya." And that's okay! But for those of you who are still with me here, thank you!) I'm not entirely sure how the film is going to pan out yet, that's something that will become more clear as I get to work alongside my tutors and peers at uni, but I do know a few things. I would really love to get a collection of stories from people who have been healed through prayer, or people who have witnessed it, or maybe you have the gift of healing, really anything to do with it! Seriously, I want to hear about anything and everything. I feel like a lot of people don't realise that this is something that actually happens, and the purpose of this film is to tell them, yes, God is alive and real, he does work and he does heal (tehe unintentional poetry). 

I'll say this - right now this is more about research and getting to know the subject more. Telling me your story doesn't mean it'll necessarily be put in the film. I'm aware that this is a sensitive subject and I don't want to put people in the spotlight who don't want to be. I'm sure in good time God will make it clear what stories he wants spread and it's quite likely I may ask you for a formal filmed interview, but in the mean time all I want is a chat :)

So if you have any stories please don't hesitate to get in touch with me. Or if you know someone else that does, perhaps you could forward this to them. This would mean a lot to me, I would really really love to see this film come to light, and the best way I can do that right now is just by starting to chat to people about this sort of thing. My e-mail address is jomcclure73@gmail.com, or if you see me ever just pull me aside, I would love to talk! I'm also on Facebook and Twitter for those who like the social networking sites. 

Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear from some of you soon!

Jo

The Facebook Generation

Facebook. Facebook Facebook Facebook. It's one of those things we love to hate, yet cling unto desperately. I personally would love to just delete my Facebook account and be done with it, but unfortunately it's just too useful for keeping in touch with people I wouldn't other wise be able to keep in touch with. However, last night I did get my friend list down from over 650 people to less than 130, making it only coursemates, church famiy, close friends from home, and relatives i.e. the people who I do use it to talk to regularly. I was just getting distracted by having so much unnecessary stuff on there. 

I think my generation especially really needs to sit back and think about the way we use social networking sites such as Facebook. I know I'm so guilty at signing up to a million different sites like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Blogger; I just love being connected in various different ways. I love sharing. But is this always a good thing? I don't think so. 

Part of the reason I cut my friends list was because of conversations I'd been having through this documentary film below. Who made this documentary film? Oh yeah, I did, tehe! Yes, this is my uni film from this semester, made by me and three of my wonderful coursemates Christina, Eilidh and Rhian. All great girls. When Christina pitched the idea for the film I knew I really wanted to be part of it, and so I took on the role of editor, which I had a lot of fun doing. I'd love to work with those girls again. We got to interview my good friend Claudia and three others whom I hadn't met previously - Eoghann, Sebb and Tony. I would love it if you gave it a watch and told me what you think!

Dream Big*

*Disclaimer - This blog post is essentially about “following my dreams”. I would like to blame the cheesiness of my current state of mind on the copious amounts of ‘Glee’ I have been rewatching over the last few days. It’s been that kind of week. So be prepared for cheesy dreamy stuff. You have been warned.

Edinburgh is a busy city with a high student population, so I’m constantly meeting new people, and often the topic of conversation that gets brought up first is university. When I tell these people that I’m studying photography & film, they’re intrigued, and I often get asked “oh! What are you going to do with that then?” To this I normally respond with a shrug, brushing it off my saying that I don’t know. Sometimes I even convince myself that I don’t know what I want to do, but this is not true. The truth is I know exactly what I want to do with my life, it’s just not what maybe my university colleagues and tutors would consider the ‘smart thing to do’. My biggest interest is film, and I love filmmaking and I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do, but I don’t want to go into the film industry. Yep, I’m awkward like that. You see, I could go back to Belfast or maybe go to London, head to the studios, get a paid job in the film industry, and become a tiny part in the making of someone else’s bigger vision come true. But why would I do that when I have visions of my own?

On location at Murlough beach, filming with Adam Leahy for 'That One Time',  2011

I have a vision. I see myself making short films, music videos, informational films, short documentaries, I dunno, stuff like that, by myself with a handful of friends to help me out. Films and videos which are influenced by my Christian faith. Videos which will be put out on the internet i.e. YouTube and Vimeo, for anyone to see. Who knows? If I get good enough, and start getting recognition, I could start offering my services for commission, but this would only fund the projects themselves. If this goes even further, I could start big projects, like a web series, or a full length documentary, or something like that. This sounds perfect to me. I want to do that so badly. Is there any way for me to make a living out of doing that? Let's be honest, nah. It's extremely unlikely. But do I care? Let's be honest again, nah. I'm going to do this, whether it becomes a 'job' or not. We are called to share our faith as Christians, and I want to do this through the form of film. This is my dream! I feel like this has been my calling for a while now, and I'm so desperate to just get stuck in, but it's not that easy. I’m sitting here dealing with debt, with no form of fully functioning film equipment, only a handful of half finished ideas (but apparently the amazing ability to alliterate). I have a long way to go. I look at what I want to do from where I am now and to be honest sometimes it seems impossible, and I'm close to just giving up on the whole idea. I have been close to giving up many times; it seemed that any time I was getting somewhere, something would happen to throw me right back to square one and I would cry out in despair, wondering why God wasn't making this easy for me. But it's always at these low points where God picks me up again and reminds me that this is what he wants me to do. 

I was listening to a podcast of last week's sermon in my church, and something that was discussed was that if we can live comfortably without God, then we're not doing it right. That brings me comfort. If I was already making these films without any difficulty, without needing to pour my heart out in longing to God in prayer, then I will not have been doing it right. God dares us to dream big dreams. The speaker summed it up well - "If your dreams are humanly achievable, you're not dreaming big enough." I trust that God has plans for my dreams. I don't know how long it will take until I have a screenplay I'm satisfied with, or even a camera to film with, but I know it will happen some day. 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4