A Letter To 2014

Dear 2014,

I am excited for you and I am terrified of you. I've always been quite good at peering into the future and having a good guess at what the time ahead was going to be like. For example, in 2010 I could tell that a huge change was coming, right before my entire friendship group got turned on its head and I found myself in a much better, entirely different friendship situation. Coming into 2013 I knew that that year was going to be, well, 'defining' was the word I used, and I wasn't so sure what that meant. And, well it turned out to be just that. I spent the first part of my year on an absolute high. My community in Edinburgh was amazing, I felt more at home in that city than ever, I was making films with people I love and things were just going well for me. I found that I had become the best version of myself I had ever been. I was confident, enough so that I was able to tell my testimony on stage in front of hundreds of people the night I got baptised. I was closer to God than I'd ever been. I conquered many fears, which truly amazed me. However, in the months following and since, I began to struggle with my faith. I suppose the higher you get the harder you fall, right? I'm not going to lie, I'm still struggling a lot right now. Until the start of December I hadn't felt close to God in months, and it's just slowly starting to come back. But God is teaching me through this struggle, I know that. Through the good times and the hard times, it has been defining. I have learnt so much about myself and I am grateful for that.

But 2013 is over. Now it's your turn 2014. I want you to be a great year, 2014, I really do. And looking at my plans for the year, you have the potential to be the best year ever. I do have big plans for you. I want you to be the year that my filmmaking takes off. I want to release my documentary, Unboxed, and if I have the time I want to make another documentary. Joyful Mourne Media has been a huge dream of mine for years now, and it's slowly starting to come into fruition. That's incredibly exciting, but I feel in my heart it will have truly begun when I release Unboxed. That's where you come in, 2014. I'm counting on you to be the year that all this happens. To be honest, I'm absolutely terrified. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to screw you up. I guess I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I can hope and I can pray. 

Aside from my filmmaking goals, I want you to be the year I come back to a good relationship with God. That's something I need above all else. I want to get back into journalling regularly; I want to be interested in reading the Bible again; when I worship, I want to be really worshipping, not just singing a song that I like; I want to pray and fast. My faith is the most important thing to me in my life, so I should start acting like it is. That's my goal. I need that strong faith to support all my goals, it's so vital. And God deserves everything, my all. So I should give it to him. Yes. This is going to be the year I fix my faith. 

And you know what, 2014? Let's make it fun too. Let's go rollerblading, let's go on holiday, let's make snowmen and take my sister out more. Let's go hiking, and photographing, and let's make more friends, while getting even closer to the old friends. Let's laugh until we cry, and not worry about what others think. This could be the best year ever. Let's do that. I'm going to hustle my way into a great year.

2014... It's a pleasure to meet you. 

Love from,

Jo. 

2014 Spade List

It's that time of year again... this is a list of 50 things I'd like to achieve in 2014. Every year I usually acknowledge that I'm not going to get all of them done, but there are always a few that are extremely important to me to complete amongst the not so important ones. I'll blog about those important ones later! In the mean time, enjoy -

1. Make a short film
2. Go to America
3. Get a new job
4. Read the LotR trilogy
5. Enter a film/photography competition
6. Host a party
7. Go to jazz bar
8. Learn basic Irish phrases
9. Buy a printer
10. Do something I've never done before
11. Hustle!
12. Release 'Unboxed'
13. Make a snowman
14. Go to something at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
15. Have a friend/family visit me in Edinburgh
16. Have a friend visit me in Northern Ireland
17. Have a photograph published / exhibited
18. Go to a concert
19. Get a tattoo
20. Learn Adobe After Effects
21. Give blood
22. Run 5k
23. Take up a personal photography project
24. Unplug for a week
25. Achieve a 'merit' in university
26. Build an amazing pillow/blanket fort
27. Write 40 blog posts
28. Watch the sun rise on Murlough
29. Feel competent in my painting/drawing ability
30. Bring a friend to church
31. Journal daily, even if brief
32. Take instant pictures
33. Do something to be proud of
34. Host a film screening of one of my own
35. Enter my final year of uni
36. Fast weekly
37. Fill a sketchbook
38. Go to France
39. Pull an elaborate prank
40. Read 30 books
41. Introduce my flatmates to Irish food
42. Celebrate my 21st
43. Spend a night stargazing
44. Get a flat stomach
45. Write a letter to someone telling them how much I appreciate them
46. Rearrange my bedroom
47. Watch 100 documentaries
48. Complete a YouVersion Bible study plan
49. Volunteer somewhere
50. Have a great year

Thoughts From The Irish Sea

Fun fact: I am currently writing this post from the middle of the ocean. I finished semester one of my third year of university on Monday and so now I am relaxing on the Stenaline Superfast, on my way back to Northern Ireland to spend Christmas with my family, boyfriend and friends. I could not be more excited right now! It's been a long semester, and I'm ready for what I feel is a well deserved break after all my work in the past few months. After a lot of work including a presentation, a 3000 word essay, two photo stories and a documentary film I am finished! Huzzah!

Yeah, remember that documentary film I talked about making? Well... I made it.... kinda. On the 2nd December I attended the screening on my film along with the films of all of my classmates. At this point I'm going to make a side note saying that I'm so very proud of all my classmates. They all made great films and it was so exciting to see everyone's hard work pay off. Making a film on your own (as I discovered myself) is a very challenging experience, and it was probably the most challenging thing I've personally done in university or school. So to see around 15 films that people made all by themselves, but were also of a really good standard, was really great. Perhaps if enough of them put their films up online I might make a masterpost of some of the films so you can watch them, cause they were really great. Well done guys, you did good!

Anyway, back to my film. At 17 minutes long, with three interviews, my own personal thoughts, some constructed scenes as well as other things, one could certainly make the argument that my film was finished. But personally, I don't think so. When I set out to make this film I was feeling very ambitious, I knew that I could make a really interesting film with this idea. However, as I went on and kept working at it, I realised that even while making a short film, I was never going to have enough time and resources to make this the film I want it to be. That was a bit disappointing, but that's not to say I gave up. Instead I started concentrating on just trying my best to make a film that would do well at uni. I did slightly feel that I was conforming slightly there, and I'm a bit ashamed of that. But, the reason I was doing that was because I decided that I would work as hard as I can and for as long as necessary to make this film the film it was originally meant to be, the film it is supposed to be. I know that it has potential, and I want it to reach that potential. I am now aiming to be finished in Spring. Not many people have seen the 'uni edit' of my film, but the final cut will be bigger, better and hopefully will glorify God more.

And so I'd like to introduce you to my upcoming documentary film - 'Unboxed'. It is an exploration of the gifts of healing and miracles, asking questions like - does God heal today? Why / why not? What can we understand about this concept? How can we be sure it's real? and more. As well as this, part of the film reflects on my own personal journey of faith, as I begin to learn more about miraculous healing. Now to make up for the fact that you won't be getting to see the film for a while, despite many people assuming it would be finished now, I've uploaded a little sneak peek. I'll be uploading more of these as time goes on. 

Unboxed - Sneak Peek 1 from Joyful Mourne Media on Vimeo.

And there you have it. I'll try to be a better at updating everyone with it's progress, I didn't do that as much as I'd like to over the past few months. Right now, with the production of this film going on, seems like a good time to I guess officially launch 'Joyful Mourne Media', the name under which all my films will be made under. For those who are all about the social networking, you can follow what we will be doing via these sites -

Website: www.joyfulmourne.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/joyfulmourne
Twitter: www.twitter.com/joyfulmourne
Vimeo: www.vimeo.com/joyfulmourne

And if you'd like to contact me privately about anything, you can do that by e-mailing me at jo@joyfulmourne.com

The Trouble With Northern Irish Films

Now I don't often rant like this, so bear with me. Tonight out of curiosity I just had a little look at a list of all known films set in Northern Ireland. Out of all the ones I could get information on (around 50 films), I counted five that didn't explicitly use the Troubles as a plot point. FIVE. Now, my source is Wikipedia, so obviously this could be inaccurate. And this has not been a thorough search on my behalf. But if this is anything to go by, it looks like 9/10 films based in NI revolve around the Troubles. And I have issues with this. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against making films about sectarianism or the Troubles. It's our history, and a real part of many people's lives, we obviously can't ignore it. And yes, you could say it's a interesting and gripping subject for filmmaking. This is not me putting down any film about the Troubles. This is not me putting down the stories that are being told here. There are great films about it out there, Mickeybo and Me happens to be one of my favourite films. Yes, sectarianism is still a big issue for us, not as much as it has been the entire time our country has existed, but yes, it's still there. We can't deny these things and therefore obviously they're going to be a big part of our art. But come on!! Have we nothing more to give? 

Northern Ireland has a booming film and television industry. Anybody who's familiar with Game of Thrones probably knows this already. We have one of Europe's largest film studios, a fantastic crew based there, a vast amount of talented actors and filmmakers, and we've hosted some really well known Hollywood films in the past few years. We have the capacity to make amazing films about anything we want to. 

A sidenote: It's worth noting (as my boyfriend pointed out to me) that it's only recently, within the peace process, that films not about the Troubles are most likely to be made, because it isn't as present an issue anymore. That is true. But it's also worth noting that the Northern Irish film industry is only a recent thing itself, with the vast majority of all these films, about the Troubles or not, being made in the 90's and onwards. 

Northern Irish filmmakers, I get it that you want to make films about your history. And that's okay. That's good. Embrace your culture. Deal with your past. Tell those stories you've grown up hearing. And yes, keep making those films! But hear me when I say this. The Troubles are a huge part of our lives, but they do not define us. What does define us? Our infectious friendliness, that crazy accent of ours that other countries somehow find attractive (what), our dark sense of humour and ability to laugh in the hardest situations,  our overuse of the word 'situation', our little inside jokes, our fine baking skills, the way we know everyone and their cousin, our musical culture, and so much more! Can we focus on that instead? We lack the diversity that other countries have in their films, and I believe we need to fix this, for our own sake. 

It may not be true that 9/10 films set in Northern Ireland are about the Troubles, but certainly this is the impression we're giving. Let's show the world that we are not all the sectarian extremists that they might believe us to be. Let's make romance films that aren't retellings of the Romeo and Juliet story between a Catholic and Protestant couple. Heck, let's make a thriller film where the murderer kills people unbiasedly, instead of just people from the opposite side of the community! Make a documentary film about the farmers in the Mourne Mountains. Make a fantasy epic based at the Giant's Causeway. Make a drama about the workers at Harland and Wolff. I love Northern Ireland, I believe we have so much to offer. Let's show the world that. 

View of Belfast from the sea

Aquaphobia

I'm on the beach, standing at the edge of the ocean and Jesus is standing beside me. I see a shoreline far away in the distance and I don't know what it is but I do know that I really want to be there. Jesus says to me, "Let's go then," and starts to walk on the water. I stay still. He turns and reaches out to me, offering his hand. But I stay where I am, staring at the water.

"I don't know how," I say.

"Just try," he says.  

I hear what he is saying and I know that if I have faith that I can do it, but I just have this fearful image in my head of me setting my foot down and it just sinking through the water. I know that Jesus wants me out there with him but I don't want to fail him or let him down by sinking. I know it's possible, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I want to walk. I want to walk so badly but I'm paralysed by fear at the waters edge. It's like I don't want to try it until my faith is strong enough.  

"This is what I fear," says Jesus, "With that attitude, I fear that you'll never feel strong enough. I fear you'll stay there forever waiting for a better time. Just come. You're always going to want for a stronger faith, no matter how strong you get. So please, you just need to come, take my hand and try." 

And so I take my very first step, half stumbling and terrified; I grab his hand and he holds it tight.

This is something I found myself writing down whilst at my new student community tonight. I'm not sure where in my head it came from, but after seeing it written down like that I found it rather comforting. Challenging, yes, very challenging, but comforting too. I just thought I would share it on here for anyone else who might be feeling the same way I do right now. 

On Making a Faith Oriented Film for Uni

Things are starting to happen with this film of mine which is very exciting! I talk a bit about it in this video above here. Again, those who have stories of healing and would be up for talking to me about them, please contact me, I would love to chat!! Seriously, any stories would be wonderful, you evem don't have to be in the film if you don't want to. E-mail: jo@joyfulmourne.com. Phone: 07412330665

So far making this film is proving quite the experience for me, and I haven't even begun filming yet! Never before has my faith come in contact with my university or school work like this before, and it is both exciting and terrifying. It's really quite surreal to sit with your lecturer in a tutorial discussing Jesus' teachings and fundamental Christian theology. Surreal, but pretty cool too. I have to admit, every time I have to get up in front of that class to discuss how my film is getting on, I'm terrified. I'm so aware that people could think I'm crazy, believing in stuff like this. At a few points my lecturer has made me speak about my own personal faith in front of the class. I've spoken about my faith to crowds before quite happily, but speaking about it to a Christian crowd feels quite different to speaking about it in a room full of athiests. I can't remember the last time I stammered so much in anything! But God has been gracious, and my friends have been very supportive, even expressing interest in my film. And if they do believe I'm crazy, well, they haven't said it to my face anyway haha! My hope is that through this film I'm making my friends might be able to see more of this God I talk about. 

I'll admit there's stuff I'm too scared to say still. On getting asked why I want to make the film, which I get asked a lot by my lecturer, the answer 'I believe God wants me to make this film' has always been replaced by '*shrug* I guess I'm just interested in finding out more about healing because I don't know much about it' (which is true also to be fair). I'm also scared of asking people to help me out with it. Most of all I am terrified of screwing up the film. I'm scared that everything's just going to fall through and I will have nothing to show. And I'm scared of it turning out just a badly made film haha! But I trust God, and I'm excited to see how it will turn up.

If you're the praying type, I would really appreciate prayer while I make this film. It's going to be a big challenge for me, one that I know I'll never be able to do without the support of God and also people like yourself. Cheers.

Be Careful What You Pray For...

I want to get back into blogging regularly again. Looking back on my posts from earlier this year, I think it was really good to get my thoughts on God and stuff written down like this. Now that I'm back at university and attending my church again, with student communities starting again soon, I'm hoping I'll have plenty of things to write about! But today I'm gonna write about some things I experienced near the end of summer.

There's a saying that goes like "be careful what you pray for, because you might get it". It's an odd one, and one you might not fully appreciate until what it's talking about happens to you. And it happened to me in the last week of summer. I'll recount that now.

So as my blog has been recounting a bit, 2013 has been a 'year of fear' for me. Not in that I have had a fearful year, but that this is the year God has been pushing me gently towards getting over my fears. It started with FOMO, which I documented quite thoroughly with this blog. And I got there, in a lot of ways I am over my fear of missing out, and that makes me so happy! I've come so far from even the start of the year. And I think if I hadn't have gotten over that fear, this could have been a very difficult summer for me, due to some circumstances regarding friends, but thankfully, FOMO did not keep me from having a good summer. I enjoyed myself regardless of what I was missing out on, and that's amazing! I also started to get over my fear of a certain person (who shall not be named for their own sake), having truly feared them for years and years and years. When even being in the same room as this person was once so uncomfortable, even painful, for me, I can now quite comfortably sit and chat and even have a laugh with them. Painful memories are being replaced by good ones, which is fantastic. I'm not sure anyone could comprehend what a massive step forward that is for me. God is good!

With those two fears, both once major strongholds in my life, becoming a thing of the past, I started wondering what God wanted me to face next. Something kept bringing me back to 'failure'. It seemed to be what I feared most at that point. I thought to myself 'maybe I should ask God to help me get over my fear of failure', but something kept holding me back. Guess what that something was... yep! It was fear. I thought to myself, for these other fears, it's always got worse before it got better. Right before I started to get over the fears, I would find myself very bitter against the things, or really the people, who brought on the fear. And for that while, the fear was heightened. And so I was scared about what would happen when I asked God to help me get over this fear. But, I knew I had to do it. And so I prayed, my heart beating fast, 'God, help me get over my fear of failure. I don't what's going to happen now, and I'm scared, but I trust you.'

That was when everything fell apart. 

The morning after I prayed that, I got a phone call from my boss. He didn't want to keep me on anymore, despite me thinking I was going to have the job until at least December. That was upsetting, to say the least. It was the perfect job for me, but I failed it. I was almost brushing it off as coincidence until I got a letter in the post a few days later; a letter that told me I'd been kicked out of my university because of problems with an essay resit (leaving out the complicated details of why this happened, because they're not that important, all you need to know is that this was a total surprise to me). 

What. 

Just like that, all I knew seemed to crash around me. A few days earlier everything was fine, I had a job that was perfect for me and I was getting ready to head back to Edinburgh to begin my third year of studies. Then all of a sudden and out no where I was unemployed and degree-less. I have never felt like such a failure as I did that day. I cried out to God constantly, 'Did I ask for this?! Is this your answer?! I want to face my fear of failure but not this way!! I hate this, God!! Please fix this!!' I begged forgiveness for my failure, I just wanted to be able to go back to university, I couldn't fail like this, I couldn't fail my parents and my friends like this, not after everything. 

I spent a week living in constant terror of what was going to happen, my gut aching and heart pounding, trying desperately to contact my university to sort out what went wrong and see if they would let me back in. In the middle of that week, I had to move back to Scotland, not knowing if I'd be returning home again shortly or staying on. Though my friends were amazing (looking at you especially Michelle and Patrick) and did their best to keep my mind off it, any time I started thinking about the uncertainty of my future I verged on crying. It was a rough week. I certainly felt the failure I had been feeling. 

I'll cut to the chase, many phone calls and e-mails later, after my case being seemingly passed from person to person to person, about a week after I got the letter I found out they were letting me back in. Praise God for his goodness and mercy! And now what? I'd be lying if I said this has helped me get over my fear of failure. It gets worse before it gets better right? I'm pretty sure I'm even more scared of failure now. But I don't subscribe to coincidence, God had to let me feel that utter failure for some reason, and I'm hoping I find out that reason soon. From experience, I pretty sure it's going to help me. Just right now, I'm still living on the edge a wee bit, and I definitely need to pray more about this to work it out. And I've certainly learnt a few extra lessons along the way anyway! I'm not there yet, but I know I'll be able to face this fear soon. There's a reason for everything, God is up to something, and though I don't understand it yet, I will some day. I'll just say it again - Be careful what you pray for, you might just get it, but not in the way you expect.

Back in Edinburgh

Woah, this has been a pretty long post, thank you for reading this far! It's not like me to blog about something I'm still struggling to understand, I usually like to write it all out once I have my eureka moment and discover what God has been teaching me. Not today I guess. I think I just wanted to write it all out, get it off my chest a bit. And now I've done that. I think it's time to return to prayer about my fear of failure, and see what God's up to. For now, I'm just going to be grateful that I'm here in this beautiful city, studying what I love once again. There's definitely a reminder here that God gives and he takes away, and I'm very grateful for what he has given right now. Even if that's all I'm to learn from this whole crisis, that's a pretty darn good lesson to walk away with. Thank you God!

Hope everyone has a great year, let's get stuck in.

Jo x