2013 Spade List

The end of March seems like an odd time to be posting this, but every year since 2009 I have made a list of things I want to have achieved by the end of the year. This is 2013's 'Spade List' (I totally coined that phrase, make it happen). I will keep coming back to this post and crossing off everything I have done so far.

Spade List 2013 - 

1. Do a film swap
2. Have a friend come to church
3. Go on a camping trip
4. Buy a new camera
5. Go to a concert
6. Get my driving license
7. Give blood
8. Apply for Student Initiative Grant
9. Upload 3+ Joyful Mourne films
10. Get a pixie cut
11. Have a photograph published/displayed/for sale somewhere
12. Get baptised
13. Live in a new flat with good friends
14. Fill a journal
15. Have a successful Lent
16. Learn something new about myself
17. Meet someone famous
18. Discover a new favourite band
19. Do something (good) out of character 
20. Cook a three course meal
21. Buy at least five dorky T-shirts
22. Write to someone who lives on the opposite side of the world
23. Do something nice with no one knowing
24. Go somewhere outside the British Isles
25. Make a pinhole camera
26. Volunteer somewhere
27. Reread the Narnia books
28. Buy a piece of art
29. Make a video and have it hit 1,000+ views
30. Go to the Fringe Festival
31. Win something
32. Go rollerblading
33. Become employed
34. Draw something and like it
35. Watch the sun rise on a beach
36. Attempt NaNoWriMo
37. Cry from happiness
38. Learn a new dance
39. Run 5k
40. Read The Lord of the Rings trilogy
41. Pay for and send someone a surprise pizza
42. Watch 100 documentary films and/or series
43. Leave the house with no make up on
44. Host a movie night
45. Have a defining year

Dream Big*

*Disclaimer - This blog post is essentially about “following my dreams”. I would like to blame the cheesiness of my current state of mind on the copious amounts of ‘Glee’ I have been rewatching over the last few days. It’s been that kind of week. So be prepared for cheesy dreamy stuff. You have been warned.

Edinburgh is a busy city with a high student population, so I’m constantly meeting new people, and often the topic of conversation that gets brought up first is university. When I tell these people that I’m studying photography & film, they’re intrigued, and I often get asked “oh! What are you going to do with that then?” To this I normally respond with a shrug, brushing it off my saying that I don’t know. Sometimes I even convince myself that I don’t know what I want to do, but this is not true. The truth is I know exactly what I want to do with my life, it’s just not what maybe my university colleagues and tutors would consider the ‘smart thing to do’. My biggest interest is film, and I love filmmaking and I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do, but I don’t want to go into the film industry. Yep, I’m awkward like that. You see, I could go back to Belfast or maybe go to London, head to the studios, get a paid job in the film industry, and become a tiny part in the making of someone else’s bigger vision come true. But why would I do that when I have visions of my own?

On location at Murlough beach, filming with Adam Leahy for 'That One Time',  2011

I have a vision. I see myself making short films, music videos, informational films, short documentaries, I dunno, stuff like that, by myself with a handful of friends to help me out. Films and videos which are influenced by my Christian faith. Videos which will be put out on the internet i.e. YouTube and Vimeo, for anyone to see. Who knows? If I get good enough, and start getting recognition, I could start offering my services for commission, but this would only fund the projects themselves. If this goes even further, I could start big projects, like a web series, or a full length documentary, or something like that. This sounds perfect to me. I want to do that so badly. Is there any way for me to make a living out of doing that? Let's be honest, nah. It's extremely unlikely. But do I care? Let's be honest again, nah. I'm going to do this, whether it becomes a 'job' or not. We are called to share our faith as Christians, and I want to do this through the form of film. This is my dream! I feel like this has been my calling for a while now, and I'm so desperate to just get stuck in, but it's not that easy. I’m sitting here dealing with debt, with no form of fully functioning film equipment, only a handful of half finished ideas (but apparently the amazing ability to alliterate). I have a long way to go. I look at what I want to do from where I am now and to be honest sometimes it seems impossible, and I'm close to just giving up on the whole idea. I have been close to giving up many times; it seemed that any time I was getting somewhere, something would happen to throw me right back to square one and I would cry out in despair, wondering why God wasn't making this easy for me. But it's always at these low points where God picks me up again and reminds me that this is what he wants me to do. 

I was listening to a podcast of last week's sermon in my church, and something that was discussed was that if we can live comfortably without God, then we're not doing it right. That brings me comfort. If I was already making these films without any difficulty, without needing to pour my heart out in longing to God in prayer, then I will not have been doing it right. God dares us to dream big dreams. The speaker summed it up well - "If your dreams are humanly achievable, you're not dreaming big enough." I trust that God has plans for my dreams. I don't know how long it will take until I have a screenplay I'm satisfied with, or even a camera to film with, but I know it will happen some day. 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4

NO FOMO

The fear of missing out (F.O.M.O. if you will), we all have it, some of us more than others. Those who know me well know that this is something I do struggle with a lot, especially back home in Northern Ireland. It affects me a lot, and it's something I have to deal with a lot, but those are all stories for another time. We discussed this issue last night at Potential and it hit home with me a lot. Today when I found myself facing the fear of missing out, I said to myself "No FOMO" to remind myself not to be bothered by that stuff. I am writing this post around dinner time, and already I have counted at least five or six times I have thought it to myself today. Six times in one day? That can't be right! But nope, it's quite convicting to realise just how much I think about this stuff, how much it affects me. And I know I'm not the only one. Chances are you who are reading this also struggle with this as much as I do. So let's sort it out together.

Being excluded is hard, but we can find comfort. When we feel unloved, or unappreciated it can seem pretty hopeless, but let's not forget that we are loved! We are loved immensely, immeasurably! By who? By God, the creator of all things, who made us and sent his Son to die for us. That's pretty cool. Makes me wonder why I care and stress so much about who else loves me. And God gets it! He understands that we feel lonely or excluded, and he wants to help us! He loves us so much and he wants us to know that. He was human once too, and he experienced all of it. He watched as his friends deserted him and denied him, and I can bet that all that hurt him a lot. So you are not alone. You are loved. And he understands. Still not convinced? Let's Bible it up in here!! (Shout out to Claudia and Naomi for picking out these great verses)

"Hear the word of the Lord,  you who tremble at his word: “Your own people who hate you, and exclude you because of my name, have said, ‘Let the Lord be glorified, that we may see your joy!' Yet they will be put to shame." - Isaiah 66:5

Are you excluded because of your faith? Fear not, God is watching over you. All these things are for his purpose and for his glory.  

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5: 7

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31: 8 

These are just some great comforting verses for when we are discouraged and feel alone. You are never alone, he will always be there.

"Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me." - Psalm 27:10

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." - Isaiah 49:15-16 

 This is the awesome stuff. If we can think of people in our life that should be the ones to always be there for us, to always love us, it would be our parents, right? And for most of us, they do love us dearly and do look out for us. But parents mess up, they're human. And that can hurt because we expect them to be the most supportive of everyone we know. But God is the ultimate parent, a great Father. He never ever gives up on us, or leaves us. That's awesome!! When others fail, God prevails. (I made a rhyme tehe)

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." - John 15:13 

Have I mentioned that Jesus loved us so much that he DIED for us? KABOOM ULTIMATE LOVE.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." - Philippians 3:20-21

If you still feel sad, still feel discouraged, remember that this earth is not our home. We have an eternal life ahead of us that is perfect, we will never be excluded in heaven. It is our home.

I hope those verses bring comfort to you. I personally am going to strive to remember them in my times of loneliness. But, as much as it's good to build people up and encourage them, that's not all I want to say tonight. This is not a one way street. Those of us who feel excluded are not guiltless ourselves, I'm sure many of us have excluded other people as well, purposefully or not. I know I have. I was reading an article about how the church treats homosexuality the other day... I can almost hear you saying "woah, Jo, is this blog post suddenly going to get into an intense theological debate now?!" but don't worry, it's not. Anyway the writer of the article spoke about how he saw the church excluding members of the gay community, and he believed it was wrong. He quoted this verse, spoken by Jesus to the Pharisees.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." - Matthew 23:13

It is clear that Jesus has strong views about excluding people, especially in church situations. He's pretty angry as he says these things, that's hard to deny!  I'm not going to get into the whole debate about homosexuality here (if you want to read the article, click here, I'd recommend it); I just want to discuss the verse in an overall sense, I'm just using that article as a bit of modern context. We can be so guilty of excluding people for various reasons, perhaps their upbringing, their nationality, their sexuality etc, maybe they just annoy us a bit! When we do that, we shut the door in their faces. We all have experienced it, we know how hard it is. So we must strive not to provoke those feelings in others, else we be hypocrites. That's a pretty convicting thought. What if we all tried to be more inclusive, to be inviting? Would that not be a great reflection of Jesus' love? This is something we all need to work on, and it can be scary, but it is important. We could bring so many more people to God if they saw what welcoming people we were, without boundaries and borders. It's a challenge anyway. 

Now there's a lot more to FOMO than just exclusion, but that's the part I mainly wanted to talk about tonight. It's a long enough post without the rest of it, I don't want to bore you all and I'm not even sure if what I have written makes much sense haha! There's probably still a whole lot more I could write even on this subject but I'll leave the rest up to you, seek out God's comfort and wisdom. In summation, remember you are loved, and remember to love. It's the most important commandment for a reason.

God bless, peace out, and no FOMO.

Jo x

Gettin' Dunked!

My baptism - Photo by Kathryn McGrane

Oh hey, look what happened! What's that? I got baptised last Sunday!! Wooohooo yeah partayyy!! Seriously though, it was a great night. I'm still kind of on a high from it all. And this is the part where I write all about it. 

For those who don't know baptism is a kind of rite that's practiced in most churches where you get immersed in or sprinkled with water. The immersion symbolises a few things - the death and resurrection of Christ, and the washing away of our sins. The Baptists (the denomination I attend) believe that baptism is not essential for salvation, instead it is something you do out of obedience to God. The website christianbaptists.com describes it like this - 

"... salvation is something God does for us, while baptism is something we do for God. It is viewed like a wedding ring. The ring doesn’t make a person married, but it tells everyone around them that he married. The ring is the married person’s public profession of his love to a particular person. It is similar to a pledge of allegiance. Baptism is seen the same way by Baptists." I'm not good at explaining this stuff, so do some internet research if you're really curious! Or even better, Bible research. 

Still here after those explanations and stuff? Sweet! I'm sitting here right now wanting to write so much but hardly knowing what to say. Maybe I'll just say a bit of what I said on the night, when I told my testimony to the church (a nervous experience, but a good one).

Giving my testimony - Photo by Kathryn McGrane

I like to look at my life in a series of stages. Stage number 1 - my life before I was a Christian. I was pretty numb back then. I was a good kid, but I didn't understand people. I had no capacity for empathy. I liked being alone, I felt no need to be with other people. I just wasn't that emotional to be honest. I wasn't a big fan of God's either. I was brought up in a Christian family which was great, but I didn't take it too seriously, I just thought God was a big angry policeman in the sky. Until I was 14 anyway. Stage number 2 - after I became a Christian. I rediscovered God at an SU camp when I was 14 years old after hearing a talk about creation. I decided to take my faith seriously then, truly meaning it for the first time ever. After that my life changed, I changed, though I didn't realise for a long time how. God blessed me with the gift of emotions, though at the time it seemed more like a curse haha! I struggled for years, not understanding why I would get so depressed for months and months at a time. However, I kept going with little baby steps, and after a while I learnt more about why God made me that way and why I had changed like that, and I began to exercise control over my emotions. I haven't seriously struggled with them in well over a year now. This marks a new stage. Now that some of the main struggles of my early days as a Christian are behind me, it's time for new things. This marks stage number 3 - big things are coming. Over the past year or so I feel like God has been shaping me and preparing me for new things in my life. I am no longer held down by things like overwhelming depression or fear, obviously the capacity for them still exists in me, but I understand those emotions and know how to fight them now. Anyway, I think God has big things for me in store. So I decided to say yes to that. And the way I wanted to say yes was through baptism. It was my way of saying to God that I am prepared to do what he wants me to do. I am ready. 

And so I did it. I got prayed for by members of the church, I gave my testimony and then Karl and Ciara baptised me. It was an amazing night. This is where things start changing now. Since that night I have felt closer to God than I have in my whole life, I'm already seeing changes within me. I feel confident. I also felt the love and encouragement of so many people both within my church and not. There were a few friends there who came especially for the baptism, which I was so glad to see (shout out to Kathryn, Debbie and Simon, hooray!) I also felt encouragement from friends and family at home, who sent me lovely messages on Facebook and text etc. But most of all right now I'm grateful for my church friends, the girls at Potential. Without their constant support and encouragement, I don't think I would have had the confidence to get up there on Sunday. They have really blessed me and I see God through them all the time. When I signed up for Potential, I never ever expected to be part of such an amazing community, it has exceeded all expectations. I really feel part of something within it and I'm so grateful for that. Girls, if any of you are reading this, I love you all, thank you for being such great friends to me! I'm more grateful than you could know!!

If any of you are considering getting baptised, seriously, I'd really recommend doing it. I'm so glad I did! There's so much more I could probably write right now, but I realise I've already written an awful lot. If anyone wants to talk about anything I've said here more, feel free to drop me a line or something. 

Some stuff - 

• A video of the baptism itself 
• A song that was played that night, which will forever remind me of it
• The Bible verse given to me 

God bless

x

Arranged

 

Arranged (2007)

Okay I loved this film.

Recently I have been browsing Netflix's 'Faith and Spirituality' section to see if I could find any decent Christian films to watch. My search hadn't been very successful, if I'm honest, a lot of Christian films, (with a few exceptions) are cheap and cheesy, not really something I enjoy. In the end I gave up on trying to find a good Christian film and clicked on this one, Arranged, a story about two first year teachers, one Jewish, one Muslim, who become friends despite their cultural differences.

I will say it again - I loved this film! It focused a lot on the subject of arranged marriages, however it refreshingly showed both sides to the argument of whether arranged marriage is right or not. Arranged marriage is something I don't know anything about, so I was found learning about it really interesting, especially when it wasn't presented in a biased light. I really fell in love with the characters as they struggled to come to terms with what they were facing. I think you can learn a lot from this film. I would recommend it to all. I think I may have to watch it all over again just to enjoy it more!

8/10

Healing

"LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me." - Psalm 30:2

It would seem that the girls at Potential rather enjoyed me doing a write up of last weeks events and so I have been asked by quite a few to carry on doing it. Well I guess that's not a bad idea! I'm not always the best at speaking but I do enjoy being able to get my thoughts down on paper (or laptop in this situation) as they just seem so much clearer there than floating about mid air. So after each week I will write up what we discussed and perhaps some things that happened and what I took from the night. Obviously because it is only me doing these write ups you'll be getting mostly my own opinions, so you'll just have to deal with that! Also I'm aware that things could get quite personal with this blog if I'm to write about these nights honestly. I'll just have to deal with that too, but testimony is a good thing so I shouldn't be afraid of being honest about myself. Things could head that direction in this post so I best just dive in the deep end!

Last night we read the other half of Acts 4, being verses 23 to 37 [click here to read]. This passage focused on the power of prayer, especially praying in the name of Jesus. We discussed our prayer lives, and we were all pretty open about the fact that we struggle with prayer. Praying's hard, man! People discussed their various methods of praying, for example some people used journals, some people prayed out loud, some stayed silent, some even prayed in tongues. One thing we all agreed on was that we all could do better. A lot of things hit home with me through out the night, but one thing to do with prayer hit home in particular. Now, one of the things I find hardest about living in Scotland is that I miss my friends at home a lot. It's quite hard to keep in contact sometimes, and when there are times when we go without speaking for a long time I get quite sad and want nothing more for them to just call me and we can have a catch up again because I miss them. We discussed tonight how this is what God feels about us, except so much more. He wants desperately for us to come and talk to him, to tell him everything, but we don't give him that. While I'm sitting in my room pining for conversations with my friends, God is wanting the exact same thing from me. From all of us! Makes you think, doesn't it? (Interestingly this is the second time this week God has pointed out that I'm being hypocritical, that's always fun haha). 

Now's the point where I use a personal story to try to convince you that this prayer thing is important (yaayyy honesty). There have been some things I have been struggling with unconsciously for years that have suddenly become conscious to me, and I have realised how much of a big issue they are, and it scared the crap out of me. I have been getting really stressed out and worried and angry and basically not good. To be honest I hadn't prayed much about it, because I was ashamed. My prayers were brief, mostly just "Help me God, I'm sorry God." However, I knew that this was an issue, and I could feel it bottling up, which is never a good thing, so I decided I wanted to talk about it with someone. I felt that this is what God wanted, so I was like okay God, I'll talk to someone then. I tried, and failed. I tried with a few people, either the conversation was sent other directions, or just went nowhere or never even happened in the first place. It was frustrating. But after the discussions last night, I got home and I thought I should probably just tell God everything, even though he already knows. For some reason I had left God as a last resort, wanting to talk to other people first. So I got home, sat on my bed, and decided to pray out loud to God, something I don't often do. As soon as I started I felt like God was saying "Yes Jo!! Finally you get it!!! The someone you need to talk to is me!!" It was very humbling, and it hit me just how much more I need to do this. God should be my first resort, not my last. Anyway, I kept praying, and I told him everything, all I felt, all I feared, all I wanted. When I finished I was blessed a sudden wave of peace and felt him say

"Jo... I will heal you." 

And that was it. He will heal me. I felt a lot better. So much better. I know I'm not there yet, but now I am confident I will get there. It's weird for me being open about this on the internet like this. It's pretty hard, but I like to hope that someone will get something out of it, and that makes it easier. So seriously, if you're reading this, pray, pray, pray like mad, it's so important! God wants you to talk to him!!

But let's move on from the intense stuff right now, and move on to intensely awesome stuff!! Speaking of healing, we saw something pretty darn cool tonight... healing!! (Never saw that coming, did ya?) Our lovely friend Keziah turned up last night with a complete lack of voice, couldn't speak at all, only whisper. That's never fun, so at the end of the night we prayed for her healing. The whole time we prayed I was thinking how cool it would be if when we finished praying it would immediately be fixed and she would just be like "hellooo!" again. Well... guess what happened. HECK YEAH SHE COULD SPEAK IMMEDIATELY!! Did I mention how important and awesome prayer was? Yeah. It's the best.

Pray guys. Pray.

Lars and the Real Girl

I've decided it might be cool to do some film reviews on this blog. I watch a lot of films so I probably won't post about every one, just the ones I feel are worthy of review. First on the list -

Lars and the Real Girl (2007) 

First of all, what else can I say but who ever thought a film that has a storyline revolving around a sex-doll could be such a sweet, innocent, heart-warming story? I won't give too much away for those of you who like to enjoy the mystery of what a film will bring but I will write a short synopsis. Lars Lindstrom, played wonderfully by Ryan Gosling, is a lovable introverted young man from a small Canadian town who shocks his brother (Gus) and sister-in-law (Karin) one day when he introduces them to his new girlfriend Bianca... who happens to be an anatomically correct sex-doll. However, as a contrast to the actual commercial purpose of the doll, Lars has created her to be a kind missionary, with whom he wants a loving and pure relationship with. Out of kindness his family goes along with his delusion, and soon the whole town has joined in, treating Bianca like a real human being. I really enjoyed this film. Watching the relationship between both Lars and Bianca, and the couple and the rest of the town, unfold. It was lovely seeing the whole community come together to support Lars through his delusions, despite what they originally thought of it. Just a lovely story all in all, definitely worth a watch.

To me this film is about many things -

• Tolerance. To me this film really preaches tolerance to those who are different to us. I particularly liked the fact that the a lot of the characters were members of a church together, and the pastor of this church was very welcoming to Bianca. I feel like not as many churches would be as kind as this, it is something we can learn from.
• Loneliness. A lot of the main characters seemed to suffer from loneliness, which I think is something we can all relate to. Each of the characters dealt with their loneliness in their own ways, obviously the most extreme being with Lars. An interesting thing to watch and think about.
• Childhood. There is a real sense that a lot of the characters are afraid to grow up. Many still have toys like action figures and teddy bears and Lars strives to understand what it feels like to be an adult.

Anyhoo I'm not so good at writing movie reviews, I'll get better with time. But for this one I will say definitely worth a watch, though it's probably not everyone's cup of tea. I quickly loved Gosling as Lars from the word go, and found all the other characters equally admirable.

I give it a solid 7/10